The Four Wise Men?

The other day, some pompous bastard told me that he wanted to "contribute" to our little blog. I told him that this simply would not work because we already have three blog authors. If we added one more person, we wouldn't be the Three Wise Men anymore. "The Four Wise Men" just doesn't roll off the tongue the same way.

However, this pompous bastard threatened to have his lawyers sue me for racial discrimination. Apparently, whites are considered a minority in this country now. I should probably let him be an author so that people don't think I'm a racist (the horror!). Plus, I figure that we can use his lawyers when one of us is sued for libel.

On that note, I'd like to introduce the newest member of our blogging family: Mr. J. Hillin.

Reading the ESPN article on where the Mavs go from here.

All assuming that the Mavericks will lose the series. They asked a few questions to their panel of experts and idiots.

I thought that I would just share some of my thoughts on their thoughts.

1. How will you evaluate the J-Kidd trade?

The best:

Ford: A huge mistake. Kidd doesn't have the speed to keep up with the Chris Pauls and Tony Parkers of the world. Devin Harris does. That leadership in the fourth quarter that Kidd was supposed to bring doesn't help much when you're getting run out of the gym.

Sheridan: Didn't like that one either when they made it, and we're all seeing why. In that conference, Kidd is too slow to match up with a lot of opposing point guards, and he can't take 25 percent of his playoff games off anymore like he used to do in New Jersey.

No surprise it's from the two smartest writers on ESPN.

The "I can see where you coming from but you missed the point " answers:

Broussard: Again, they weren't going to win it as they were, so they took a chance. But this trade was clearly a bust because they gave up so much youth, and it cost them an extra $11 million when they had to revamp the trade to keep Stackhouse out of it.

Abbott: Chris Paul was, in the regular season, even better against Devin Harris than he was against Kidd. So, while Kidd may not have been a magic ingredient for the Mavericks, I'm also not sure he was the problem.

The "Obviously this guy really likes the Mavericks/hopelessly optimistic" answer:

Stein: I'm grading it the way it should be graded ... incomplete. I underestimated how poorly Kidd fits in Avery Johnson's offense and overestimated his ability to convince the coach to loosen things up. Can a more Kidd-friendly coach rejuvenate a 35-year-old point guard that is starting to show his age? I need to have that answer before I punt.

2. Will Mark Cuban fire Avery Johnson? Should he?

The Best:

Broussard: My guess, based on what sources say, is that he will get fired. Avery's a great young coach and he'll get another job quickly, but the Mavs need a fresh voice and a fresh start. And you know what they say: You can't fire the players.

Stein: Avery is definitely out. Can't blame him exclusively for the New Orleans series but this has been building for months. Coach and the owner don't have the same relationship they once had and the authoritarian intensity that was such a successful contrast to Don Nelson's style early in the Avery Era is too easily tuned out now. Throw in the scars that linger from the playoff losses to Miami and Golden State and it's clearly time for a change.

The "When was the last time this guy watch a Mavericks game" answer:

Legler: Avery Johnson is one of the best coaches in the NBA. Period. Before Mark Cuban considers firing him he should ask himself who could improve their chances of winning a title. This team competes. They respond to Avery and they are well prepared. The problem lies in their personnel and their mental toughness. The guy is a top-tier coach. End of story.

The painfully truthful answer:

Ford: No, I don't think Cuban will fire him. I think it's difficult for Mark to admit to mistakes, and he's made several with Johnson. Should he fire him? Yes. Johnson never really let the reins loose on Kidd and he never got really comfortable with the team. Johnson was a good point guard in the NBA -- but Kidd has been much better.

Now on to the best question (because it comes with a WTF guarantee).

3. What roster moves should Dallas make to stay among the West's elite?

I won't judge here(I will). Honestly. Go ahead and tell me what you think.

Abbott: Remember how Rasheed Wallace was often spectacular, but ultimately unreliable and unsuccessful as a leading man -- but then became a second banana and won a title? I wonder if that might be the recipe for Dirk Nowitzki. Rather than Dirk creating and kicking out to somebody else, maybe somebody else should create and kick out to Dirk.

Saw this with Nash. Maybe it would work with a little more defense and more focus on Dirk this time around. Answer rating: 4/5

Adande: It's not going to happen with Dirk Nowitzki, so they might as well trade him. True, NBA teams rarely get better when they trade a superstar. But they could get some good young players, and with Dirk's salary gone and Kidd's contract up next year the Mavericks could position themselves to make a run at a superstar such as LeBron James or Dwyane Wade in the big free agency summer of 2010.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. WHAT A GREAT FUCKING IDEA. There are only about 22 other teams trying to do exactly that. Plus Dallas will never get Dwyane Wade unless he brings back the trophy when he comes. But seriously, this is your idea. Let's get rid of our best player who has been the face of the franchise for at least four years. Sit through a painful season with a team without an identity led by an aging point guard, so that we can try to land LeBron James with what will be the largest NBA contract ever. But at least will have a good young rookie to pair with him right? Oh wait, we don't have a first round pick in 2010. We'll have Dampier and Terry assuming the don't get traded. I bet Lebron would love to come here and compete with a team that would be worse than the one he put on his back in last years playoffs. But hey, we would have LeBron James. Maybe one day I'll try to put together a full list of teams that could and might try this strategy. Until then I'll be laughing at the articles written by Jack Ass Adande (get it it's like the JA in his name stands for Jack Ass).
Answer Rating: "47 lols" /5

Broussard: Kidd for Iverson. Not sure it makes either team a contender, but both clubs need a shake-up.

At first I was like what the fuck, but really this is a pretty cool idea. This offense is more of a score the ball yourself, and Iverson would continue to attack the basket when everyone else settles for jumpers. I don't think the Nuggets would ever do this though. Answer rating: 5/5 for creativity and brevity.

Ford: Ironically, they traded away what they really needed -- a young, quick point guard who can penetrate to the basket and defend the young point guards in the West. I'm not sure that guy is out there unless they're willing to part with Josh Howard. They've traded away many of their other assets.

Sheridan: Use the midlevel to find an undervalued player the way Orlando did when it went out and got Hedo Turkoglu. Someone is needed to provide a spark and some speed off the bench.

I really love both of these guys. 10/10 for the Sheridan-Ford combo.

Stein: It was less than two years ago that the Mavs were being hailed for their athleticism when they finally toppled San Antonio. Now? Everyone sees that they are woefully slow and unathletic around Nowitzki. Yet these problems naturally would be easier to address if Dallas' best trade chip (Howard) didn't just significantly dent his trade value with a dreadful series and his inexplicable marijuana monologues. The silver lining for the Mavs is that Kidd doesn't have the leverage to demand a lucrative contract extension this summer, which means he'll be playing on a $21.3 million expiring contract next season. If a new coach and offseason tweaking aren't enough to hoist this team back into the West's elite, Dallas should have the financial flexibility/trade asset to start working on a major makeover.

Long but great answer. Answer Rating: 4/5 for optimism

Hollinger: I'm not sure they can. Right now they're down to seven effective players, five of whom will be 30 or older next season. Dallas keeps lusting after veteran role players in their mid-30s, but they've got to refocus on building the talent base back up and snagging a couple more Brandon Basses off the scrap heap.

Hollinger has decent answers sometimes, but his style of writing is a bit dramatic. Maybe I just read it wrong because I think the guy is an arrogant asshole, but this is how I read it.

Hollinger: [long sigh] I'm not sure they can. [shakes head in dissaproval] Right now they're down to seven effective players [Check out my new super duper Hollinger number crunch of the week to see how many effective players you have on your favorite team], five of whom will be 30 or older next season [I invented a formula that subtracts the players birthday from next season's date to compute this. I call it the Hollinger-future-age formula]. Dallas keeps lusting after veteran role players in their mid-30s[get the younger sexier ones, the ones where the sweat beads slowly fall down their rippled bodies], but they've got to refocus on building the talent base back up and snagging a couple more Brandon Basses off the scrap heap [I see players as parts to a machine, "you can't run that engine with just one Brandon Bass, you ought to go down to the scrap yard and snag ya a couple more. Now then, you'll have yourself an engine].

[Note: I recognize John Hollinger makes some good stats, and I'm a big sabremetric guy. I make fun of him because he names everything after himself and complements his good stats with a shit load of stupid ones.(like the playoff odds) Oh and he rights in a condescending tone]

I apologize for the length of this article. The goal of this blog is to get a lot of important information out fast and record Karson and Josh's ridiculous picks for future humiliation. Won't happen again. (until I write my article on why David Stern is a terrible commissioner and additional commentary on JA Adande and John Hollinger).

Draft Tidbits

Some interesting things about the draft, according to my sources:

1. If the Cowboys had taken Jenkins at 22, they would have lost out on both Mendenhall and Felix Jones. Pittsburgh jumped on Mendenhall at 23, and the Titans were set to take Jones at 24. Jerry knew this because he was working the phones to get ahead of San Diego and grab Jenkins. Of course, we asked the Titans if they wanted to trade since they had pick 24: the idiotic Titans told Jerry (before we picked at 22) they would not trade because they wanted Felix Jones. Decision made, thanks.

2. Jerry was really pushing to get Roy Williams or Anquan Boldin in a first round trade. Neither team would budge even with Dallas making very strong offers. Rumor has it the offer was more than Washington offered the Bengals for Chad Johnson. The Detroit Free Press is now ripping Matt Millen.

3. Jerry wanted to trade up in round 2 to get WR James Hardy. The rest of the war room did not agree, convincing him to stand pat.

4. Martellus Bennett was not drafted as a back-up for Jason Witten. Garrett plans to use him heavily in two TE sets and as a lead blocker, something Fasano could not do. He is about to get a crash course.

5. Mel Kiper gave KC an A for their draft. The next highest grade of B+ went to, you guessed it, the Cowboys!

6. Orlando Scandrick was projected as a second rounder by Mel Kiper (we got him in the 5th). They say that if Scandrick had gone back for his senior year, he would have been a first round pick.

7. Two of the notable undrafted free agents we have signed so far are Danny Amendola, the WR from Texas Tech, and Marcus Dixon, the DE from Hampton. Amendola is very similar to Wes Welker: short stature, quick, good punt returner, elusive in the open field, from Texas Tech, and tough as nails. Let's hope he turns out the same. Marcus Dixon is the guy who made national news after being released from jail for rape, with mentions on Oprah and ESPN.

8. Many people were disappointed that we did not draft Mario Manningham, the talented receiver from Michigan, when he fell to the third round. However, the Cowboys did not even have him on their draft board because he skipped an interview with the Cowboys during the combine, which is basically the same as not showing up to a job interview. It's bad enough that Mario smokes pot, but he also lied about it to NFL teams even though they had his positive marijuana results. He even needed handlers to take care of him in college. Lastly, Mario scored a 6 out of 50 on the Wonderlic test. Good luck with that, New York Giants.

NFL Draft Day 2

Day 2 of the draft, to put it simply, was extremely frustrating. The Cowboys traded down 4 times before making their first pick! It was not necessary at all to trade down and pick up extra picks later that aren't going to make the roster. Jerry Jones does this every year: he trades down for average value and then trades up again, causing us to miss out on good players that were drafted between our original and final spot. The only good thing was that after all the trading was done, we ended up with an extra 3rd and 4th rounder next year. This either means the Cowboys think next year's draft is really deep, or they are stockpiling picks to have enough ammo for a veteran WR trade.

The Cowboys would have taken Charles Godfrey, the defensive back from Iowa, had he been there at their 3rd round pick. As it was, they traded down a gazillion times to get Tashard Choice, a RB from Georgia Tech. We got good value for him in the 4th since he was projected for the middle of the 3rd round. Choice will be insurance in case Marion Barber leaves next year or Barber/Felix get hurt (Alonzo Spellman was our current third back). He will also give the Cowboys leverage in long-term contract negotiations with Barber.

The next pick, Orlando Scandrick CB Boise State, was also good value in the 5th. He was projected to go late 3rd/early 4th. Scandrick was also taken for injury/depth/insurance reasons. If Terence Newman walks as a free agent, Scandrick will be needed as a backup. For now, he will compete with our young corners Alan Ball, Evan Oglesby, and Courtney Brown for the 5th cornerback spot.

The last pick in the 6th was a "WTF JERRY!" pick. Jerry Jones usually has a couple of these a year in the later rounds. Every year the "WTF JERRY!" picks are players from small schools that do not fill a position the Cowboys need. Jerry touts these players as his sleeper projects. This year, Erik Walden, a DE from Middle Tennessee State, fits the bill. Many rankings did not have him as one of the top 50 DEs in the draft, and he wasn't even included in Pro Football Weekly's draft guide. I think we should have taken a nose tackle here to pair with Tank Johnson so that Jay Ratliff can move to his natural position outside at DE. I would even prefer a quarterback that can be brought along slowly as the backup, rather than having Father Time (Brad Johnson) as our current backup QB.

We didn't take a receiver in this draft, and I can live with that. None of the receivers in the later rounds would have beat out Miles Austin, Sam Hurd, or Isiah Stanback for a roster spot anyways. Plus, Stanback is basically like a rookie because he was injured most of last year, his rookie season. I believe that Stanback, the athletic QB-turned-WR, just might be the speedster that we've been looking for to pair with Terrell Owens.

Here's what we've lost and gained so far this off-season:

Julius Jones ---> Felix Jones
Tyson Thompson ---> Tashard Choice
Jacques Reeves ---> Pacman Jones
Nate Jones ---> Mike Jenkins
Keith Davis ---> Orlando Scandrick
Akin Ayodele ---> Zach Thomas
Anthony Fasano ---> Martellus Bennett
Jason Ferguson ---> Undrafted free agent?

That looks pretty good to me. We improved at nearly every position we lost a player, especially the secondary.

I give the Cowboys' second day a B- and the Cowboys' draft as a whole a B+.

NFL Draft Day 1

All in all, Day 1 turned out to be pretty intriguing, with many surprises and trades.

First off, there were no receivers taken in the first round. Then, teams made up for this by picking receivers like crazy in the second round, though not in the order that ANYBODY predicted, starting with Donnie Avery from Houston, who was not even on most people's top 5 receiver list. Jerome Simpson, a receiver from Coastal Carolina, went before Desean Jackson, Malcolm Kelly, AND Limas Sweed.

The Steelers got two of the steals so far with Rashard Mendenhall at pick 23 and Limas Sweed at the bottom of the second round. Sweed was supposed to be a first round pick, and some say Mendenhall will turn out better than Darren McFadden. The Steelers got lucky by just sitting on their butts at their original draft spots.

On to the Cowboys: I was estatic when both Mendenhall and Mike Jenkins, one of the elite corners in the draft, were still there at the Cowboys' #22. It was a dream scenario. Imagine my dismay when the Cowboys took Felix Jones. I felt the same way I did when the Cowboys passed on Stephen Jackson a couple of years ago and ended up with... Julius Jones. However, Felix is no Julius. Although I'd rather have had Mendenhall, Felix will still be a good lightning to Marion the Barbarian's thunder. Plus, imagine our field position with Felix returning kickoffs and Pacman returning punts.

Our next pick was a steal: we traded up from pick 28 to 25 to get Mike Jenkins, who fell quite a bit. No complaints from me here. Jenkins should solidify our secondary, which will have to go against some of the big-play offensive threats that our division rivals ended up drafting: Devin Thomas (WR, Michigan St.), Malcolm Kelly (WR, Oklahoma), and Fred Davis (TE, USC) for the Redskins and Desean Jackson (WR, California) for the Eagles.

It should be noted that neither Felix Jones nor Mike Jenkins would have lasted much longer if we had not picked them. Tennessee would have taken Jones instead of reaching for Chris Johnson at pick 24, and San Diego would have taken Jenkins instead of Antoine Cason at #27.

The Cowboys' last pick of Day 1 might end up being the most controversial. Right after trading former 2nd round tight end Anthony Fasano and linebacker Akin Ayodele to the Dolphins for a fourth rounder, Dallas picked another tight end in the second round, Martellus Bennett from Texas A&M. Many people are screaming bloody murder at Jerry Jones for trading away a former 2nd round TE for a 4th rounder only to take another one in the 2nd round, but I sort of like this pick. Just because Fasano was drafted in the 2nd round doesn't mean he was playing like a 2nd rounder. Bennett is a big, athletic tight end who can also block. He reminds me a little of Antonio Gates, since Bennett also plays basketball, occasionally lines up in the slot as a receiver, and runs a faster 40 than Oklahoma WR Malcolm Kelly! In the end, none of the receivers left were worth taking in the 2nd round, so Bennett was a good choice to pair with Jason Witten.

I give the Cowboys an A- for their first-day efforts.

NFL Draft Preview

For most people, Christmas is on Dec. 25. Not for me. Christmas usually occurs around the last week of April every year for me. Yes, I am a draft junkie. I usually watch the entire NFL draft from beginning to end, all 15 hours of it. Good thing they're shortening the first round this year from 15 to 10 minutes.

This year's draft is especially deep in offensive linemen and running backs. That means the Dolphins, by locking up Jake Long as the first pick already, have gotten the best player at the deepest position in this draft. Here are my top players at each position this year (some of these rankings are drastically different than what the "experts" say):

Quarterbacks
1. Matt Ryan, Boston College
2. Chad Henne, Michigan
3. Joe Flacco, Delaware
4. Brian Brohm, Louisville

Sleeper/Best player you've never heard of: Josh Johnson, San Diego

Running backs
1. Darren McFadden, Arkansas - Will NOT drop below the 6th spot.
2. Rashard Mendenhall, Illinois
3. Jonathan Stewart, Oregon - There's a big drop-off after Stewart.
4. Felix Jones, Arkansas - Can also return kicks
5. Chris Johnson, East Carolina - Fast son-of-a-gun
6. Kevin Smith, Central Florida - My sleeper pick for RBs
7. Ray Rice, Rutgers
8. Jamaal Charles, Texas - Waaay overrated. He's got speed and nothing else.

Wide Receivers
1. Devin Thomas, Michigan State
2. James Hardy, Indiana - The complete package
3. Desean Jackson, California - More useful as returner than receiver
4. Malcolm Kelly, Oklahoma - I'd put him #3 if not for injury concerns.
5. Limas Sweed, Texas

Sleeper/Best player you've never heard of: Jordy Nelson, Kansas State

Tight Ends
Fred Davis (USC), Martellus Bennett (Texas A&M), Dustin Keller (Purdue), and John Carlson (Notre Dame) are all pretty much equal.

Offensive Line
1. Jake Long, Michigan
2. Branden Albert, Virginia
3. Ryan Clady, Boise State
4. Jeff Otah, Pittsburgh
5. Chris Williams, Vanderbilt
6. Gosder Cherilus, Boston College - Protected Matt Ryan's blindside
7. Sam Baker, USC

Linebackers
1. Keith Rivers, USC
2. Jerod Mayo, Tennessee
3. Dan Conner, Penn State
4. Curtis Lofton, Oklahoma

Cornerbacks
1. Leodis McKelvin, Troy
2. Mike Jenkins, South Florida
3. Dominique-Rodgers Cromartie, Tennessee State - Antonio Cromartie's cousin; only has one kidney...
4. Aqib Talib, Kansas
5. Antoine Cason, Arizona - Underrated due to his size

Sleeper/Boom or Bust: Charles Godfrey, IOWA!

Safeties
1. Kenny Phillips, Miami
2. Um..that's it. Everybody else sucks.

Defensive Tackle
1. Glenn Dorsey, LSU
2. Sedrick Ellis, USC
3. Kentwan Balmer, North Carolina - Overrated. Just a workout warrior who will be drafted high because of his combine stats

Defensive End
1. Chris Long, Virginia - Safest prospect of the draft. He takes over games.
2. Vernon Gholston, THE Ohio State - Overrated. Tantalizing tangibles but disappears in big games.
3. Quentin Groves, Auburn - Can take over a game like Chris Long
4. Derrick Harvey, Florida
5. Philip Merling, Clemson

I guarantee that my rankings are more accurate than anything that Mel Kiper's hair spouts out.


Oh, and expect trades. Lots of them.

Nasty

Hot Sex XXX Porn Nude

No matter how smart I think I am, I learn new things every day. Today, I learned some interesting things about a couple of current baseball players, a baseball announcer, and a food spokesman. The things that I learned made me lose my respect for some of them while elevating the others to legendary status in my mind. You be the judge of who fits in what category.

1. Hideki Matsui: The New York Yankees slugger, I found out, has a gigantic porn collection of over 55,000 items. Wow. Not only that, but he actually openly admits his fondness of pornography and often trades adult videos with Japanese reporters. This is the same polite, soft-spoken man who is one of the national heroes of Japan, and who was so secretive about his new wife's identity (to protect her from the media and the public) that he refused to even show a photograph of her.

Matsui married a piece of paper.

2. Jared, the Subway guy: Allegedly, Jared also had a large porn collection in college, and he ran a business renting out all his tapes. What a budding, young entrepreneur! He also apparently only started eating Subway every day because it was the closest restaurant to his dorm, and he was too lazy to walk anywhere else. So by some perverted mechanism, he lost all that weight because of sheer laziness. The rest of the tale is history.

3. Josh Lewin: After a Texas Ranger struck out the other day, Lewin, a longtime Rangers announcer, emphatically yelled out something to the effect of, "He just had a connectile dysfunction!" Let the jokes begin. Actually, I can't resist: The Rangers' "slumping" bats need a dose of "steroids" to help them "perform at a high level." (Steroids ironically shrink your...eh..this is a family site.)

4. Alex Rodriguez: Now we reach our second Yankees slugger of the post. A petite stripper at the Hustler Club who got rejected by A-Rod because she was not his type said that he instead likes the "she-male, muscular type." According to the New York Daily News, one of his favorites is a well-toned, muscular dancer named Monique.

I didn't know that A-Rod is a switch hitter.

I'll give you one chance to guess what he's thinking about.

Just by the title of this post alone, I will have singlehandedly quadrupled the number of people who read our blog (0 X 4 = 0).

Whatever it takes?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ec_2oKWe2Gw

Sean Avery, resident asshole of the NHL, pesters Martin Brodeur on 5 on 3 power play. Of course, most hockey analysts were disgusted by the Rangers foward's antics. The NHL made a decision today making such strategy illegal. The Stanley Cup playoffs official slogan this year is "Whatever It Takes" and one can't deny that Avery is doing whatever it takes to help New York win.

Elaborating on how much the Giants suck

Statistics are awesome

Bizarro World

I know that we're only a week into baseball season, but some of the early returns are surprising (small sample sizes are fun!):

• - Two of the favored AL division winners picked by almost everybody, Boston and Detroit, are sitting in dead last. Detroit still has not won a game.
• - The sexy pick to win the other remaining AL division, Seattle, is also in dead last.
• - Meanwhile, the two teams that gave up in the offseason to commit to rebuilding (and openly admitted the fact), Baltimore and Florida, are both winning their respective divisions.
• - The Texas Rangers have had quality starts in 5 of their 6 games this year, after having only 55 the entire 2007 season.
• - A catcher leads both the AL and NL in batting average (A.J. Pierzynski and Jason Kendall).
  

Thank goodness for the Giants. We can always depend on them to suck no matter what.

American League picks

I've got nothing funny to say.

AL East - New York Yankees
AL Central - Detroit Tigers
AL West - Los Angeles Angels
AL WC - Boston Redsox
AL MVP - Miguel Cabrera
AL Cy Young - Justin Verlander
Surprise Team - Oakland Athletics
ROY - Jacoby Ellsbury
Surprise Player - Delmon Young
Disappointing Team - Cleveland Indians
Disappointing Player - Fausto Carmona

Galaga > Pacman

According to this article, Pacman Jones has already chosen the number that he wants if he were traded to the Cowboys: #21, same as Deion Sanders. This is extremely good news for Cowboys fans who were stupid enough to buy Julius Jones jerseys. Just scratch off the J, add a P, and Voila! You're set to go to a strip club! So, JJ jersey owners better hope this trade goes through.

I have to say, though, that the Titans' current demand of a 4th rounder this year and a 4th/5th next year is absolutely ridiculous. Randy Moss was traded for a 4th round pick, and he had much less baggage than Pacman. Moss's problems were all on-the-field issues, but Pacman has legal issues. Plus, we don't know if Pacman will even be able to play this season due to his suspension. I would give no more than a 5th rounder for Pacman.

Make it Rain!

However, we would have a downright nasty secondary with Pacman (remember, he was the sixth OVERALL pick in the draft):

• Starting CBs: Newman and Pacman
  
• Nickel backs: Anthony Henry and whoever we pick at CB in the first round this year (Rodgers-Cromartie/McKelvin/Jenkins/Talib/Cason)
  
• FS: Ken Hamlin
  
• SS: Tub O' Lard (Roy Williams)

I'm drooling. And not just from the Tub O' Lard.