Time Machine

Remember those time machine things we did as kids where you would put stuff that you liked or were popular that year in a box and open them many years later to reminisce? Well, here's my time machine for the Texas Rangers, consisting of all their top prospects. Seeing as the Rangers have probably never had this much talent in their farm system in the history of their franchise, I thought a list of all of them would be a good idea. Hopefully, we'll be able to look back on this years later and say "Wow!"

I've listed the Rangers prospects by position in a rough order of future impact and raw potential.

* - Players who have already seen substantial playing time this year in the majors

Catcher

1. Taylor Teagarden: Defensive difference-maker
2. Max Ramirez: Offensive difference-maker
3. Jarrod Saltalamacchia*
4. Cristian Santana: Only 19, but much ahead developmentally of Teagarden at the same age.
   
5. Leonel de Los Santos

Corner Infielders

1. Justin Smoak: The entire package - monster power from both sides of the plate and flawless defense. In other words, Mark Teixeira's replacement.
2. Chris Davis*
3. Travis Metcalf*
4. Johnny Whittleman
5. Matt West
6. Mitch Moreland: He probably should be on the list for pitchers; he is being converted to a reliever because his path to the majors is blocked by Smoak.
   

Middle Infielders

1. Elvis Andrus: At worst, he'll be an Edgar Renteria type player. At best, who knows?
   
2. German Duran*
3. Joaquin Arias*
4. Jose Vallejo: One of the fastest prospects in the system; he will probably become a super-utility infielder like German Duran.
   
5. Marcus Lemon: Son of former big-leaguer Chet Lemon
   

Outfielders

1. Julio Borbon: A speed demon with decent power
2. Engel Beltre: No ceiling to this 18-year old's potential; he could be a superstar. He plays like a young Griffey Jr.
3. Brandon Boggs*
4. Nelson Cruz*: This 28 year-old "prospect" tore up Triple A before tearing up the majors the last month of the season. His time is now.
5. John Mayberry Jr.: He's still toiling in the minors after being drafted in the 2005 first round. Considering the Rangers passed over better outfielders like Jacoby Ellsbury and Colby Rasmus to draft him, he can be considered a bust now. Oh yeah, he was a John Hart pick. (On a side note, the Red Sox had a ridiculous draft that year. They drafted Ellsbury, Craig Hansen, Clay Buchholz, Jed Lowrie, and Michael Bowden all between picks 23 and 47. The first four have all had success in the majors, while Bowden is the Sox's current #2-rated prospect. That is how you build a baseball team.)
   
6. Miguel Velazquez
7. David Paisano
   
8. Miguel Alfonzo
   
9. Chad Tracy
10. Joey Butler
    
11. Tim Smith: If we're lucky, he will be a Rusty Greer-type player with less power and more speed
    
12. Juan Polanco

Starters

1. Neftali Feliz: One of the top prospects in the nation, but still has a bit to go developmentally
2. Derek Holland: Absolutely dominant; a case can be made for Holland as THE #1 prospect for the Rangers
3. Michael Main: He is the complete package, both physically and mentally. He also played the outfield in high school, and he would be a top-5 outfielder prospect if the Rangers switched him. There are comparisons to Adam Wainwright.
   
4. Martin Perez: The last pitcher besides Martin Perez to debut in the Northwest League (mostly reserved for players with at least 2 years of pro experience) right after turning 17: Felix Hernandez; Perez is often compared to Johan Santana.
5. Eric Hurley*: Mentally tough innings-eater
6. Blake Beaven: His big, flamethrowing arm matches his big mouth.
7. Matt Harrison*
8. Kasey Kiker: Will most likely end up as a closer or set-up man
9. Neil Ramirez
10. Wilmer Font
11. Wilfredo Boscan: Had a ratio of 70 strikeouts to 11 walks this season..
12. Omar Poveda: The signs point to him being a durable power pitcher - over 150 innings pitched each of the last two season, and he averages a strikeout an inning
    
13. Tommy Hunter*: Of all the pitchers drafted in 2007, only Hunter, David Price, and Brett Cecil had success at all three levels of the minors. Only Hunter and Price made appearances in the bigs.
    
14. Robbie Ross: The Rangers are excited about this lefty, who they drafted in the 2nd round this year.
    
15. Zach Phillips
16. Joe Wieland
17. Thomas Diamond: The only part of the heralded DVD trio left in the Rangers system (Danks-Volquez-Diamond). Also the only part of the DVD trio that is a bust.
18. Mike Ballard
19. Michael Schlact: Chien-Ming Wang starter kit; or a really poor man's Roy Halladay
    
20. Carlos Pimental
21. Fabio Castillo
22. Kyle Ocampo
23. Tim Murphy: There are Andy Pettitte comparisons, but he could also be a late-inning reliever.
24. Luis Mendoza*
25. Beau Jones
26. Doug Mathis*
27. Tae Ahn: The Rangers' first significant signing from Asia. He was one of the hottest pitchers in Korea last year before he had a rough senior year of high school in 2008.
    
28. Johan Yan: The Rangers are trying this former third-baseman's Adrian Beltre-like arm on the mound

Relievers

1. Pedro Strop: Strop and Madrigal are both converted position players who the Rangers acquired due to roster move mistakes by other clubs. More importantly, they will compete to be the Rangers' future closer. Strop was once ranked as the Rockies' #9 prospect.
2. Warner Madrigal*
3. Andrew Laughter
4. Kea Kometani
   
5. Brennan Garr
6. Corey Young: Projects to be a lefty specialist
7. Ryan Schlecht
8. Jared Hyatt
   
9. Reinier Bermudez
10. Joseph Ortiz

Pitcher is definitely the Rangers' deepest position from top to bottom, followed by catcher. The Rangers' infielders are a bit weaker, but compared to other teams, the Rangers are still loaded in the infield. Outfield is definitely their weakest position. Besides Borbon and Mayberry Jr. most of the other top Rangers outfield prospects are still considered developmental projects - they have no outfield depth at all. However, the current wave of outfield prospects - Marlon Byrd, Nelson Cruz, Brandon Boggs, and David Murphy (you could even add Josh Hamilton to that group) - show enough promise that I think the Rangers will be fine at outfield until the next wave.

Have faith in Jon Daniels, and keep a close watch on the Rangers. There is a bright future for this franchise.

On Brett Favre

This entire Brett Favre situation is unreal; it's unreal what Favre has done to tarnish his legacy. I don't understand the people who put any sort of blame on the Packers' management.

First off, the Packers have to view the situation from a football standpoint. Who gives them the best chance to win? Although Favre is a first-ballot Hall of Famer, the answer is not clear. Aaron Rodgers has shown flashes but is still basically a rookie while Favre is way past his prime. Regardless, the Packers have a decent team that just needs a proverbial "bus driver," which Rodgers and Favre are both more than capable of being. Thus, we come to the public relations part of this unfortunate situation.

Let's say that there's a married couple named Bob and Cindy. The couple has been married for a good number of years. One day, Cindy gets tired of her dull husband and files for a divorce. Bob is obviously upset, but respects Cindy's decision. He knows that he has always been a decent provider for Cindy through the millions of dollars he brings home each year from his job on Wall Street. However, Bob also has noticed that Cindy has been restless as of late since he has been so busy with work. He therefore reluctantly goes through with the divorce, crying himself to sleep every night for a month. Bob, though, is a resilient man. After a few months, Bob begins to recover from the loss of Cindy, moving on with his life and entering the dating scene once again. He finds a nice young lass called Erin who he really likes and proposes to her (she accepts).

Just as Bob and Erin are beginning to make wedding plans, Bob receives an unexpected call from his ex, Cindy. She suddenly has had a change of heart and wants to re-marry again. A couple of months living the single life made Cindy realize that she was not ready for it, and she begs Bob to take her back. What is Bob to do? Having been married to Cindy for many happy years, he obviously still has feelings for her, but he has already proposed to Erin. Bob tries dissuading Cindy from re-marrying him again, but to no avail. He even tries paying her $20 million to reconsider and find a husband, or whatever one does with $20 million dollars. My guess is that Bob will probably end up filing a restraining order against Cindy and happily marry Erin (all while thinking to himself, "Boy am I glad that I got rid of that mess of a woman!")

As you have probably already guessed from my grossly extended metaphor, Bob = Green Bay Packers, Cindy = Brett Favre, and Erin = Aaron Rodgers. Who is at fault in this story? Cindy, obviously. You can't just go around randomly divorcing your spouse and then changing your mind. Favre can't go around randomly retiring and un-retiring on a whim either. The Packers can't give in to Favre every time he changes his mind.

No single football player is greater than his team. Not even Brett Favre.

tim kurkjian

skip to the 1:45 mark

Peter Gammons Rocks

300 Spears Purple Rain in Season Opener

From wire reports

June 12, 2008 - In the first game of the ABA season, 300 defeated Purple Rain 77-52. 300 compensated for its lack of interior defense with lights-out 3-point shooting. Both teams were sloppy throughout the game, showing signs of rust after a long off-season. Even the referees contributed to the preseason atmosphere of the game, making questionable foul calls on many occasions while neglecting to call obvious fouls at other times.


Hindered by numerous turnovers and traveling calls, Purple Rain could not overcome an early deficit caused by an uninspired start. Despite not being able to stop 300's hot shooters with a 2-3 zone, Purple Rain started clicking on offense in the second half, aided by the realization that 300 played a very lax man-to-man defense and the return of team superstar Michael Allen. At halftime, Allen had dramatically returned from helping inner-city kids with eye disease learn to swim. Nevertheless, Purple Rain's late surge was not enough.

Purple Rain's marquee free agent signing in the off-season, Jimmy Jen, led the team in scoring with 18 points and started in place of Timothy Pang, the incumbent starter at point guard. Pang is serving a two-week suspension after failing his second drug test in the off-season. Forward Farouk Kolaghassi bounced back with a solid game after a disappointing rookie season last year. Purple Rain's other much-hyped rookie from last season, Aaron "Choo Choo" Tyler, was traded at the annual GM meeting in December for a washing machine and cash considerations.

When asked about the team's inauspicious start to the season at the post-game press conference, Purple Rain guard Karson Chang replied optimistically. "Worried? I'm not worried. It's just early-season jitters. We'll be fine once we settle down and get Tim and Mike [Jagielski] back. I'm more worried about our washing machine. It's starting to leak water and make weird noises."

Even though players like Chang are optimistic, the end result was still the same for the beleaguered Purple Rain. After a tumultuous off-season in which the franchise relocated and changed its name from the Earthquakers to Purple Rain, the team is trying to use its new identity to get a fresh start this season and erase memories of a disappointing last-place finish in 2007. After tonight's loss, Purple Rain's fresh start will just have to wait one more game.

I'm Happy Too, But....

I know how happy Dallas Cowboys fans are about Pacman Jones being allowed to practice, and inevitably being able to play in the upcoming season. We will again have a picked up a pro-bowl player for chump change. His sheer talent and athleticism will awe us, as our cornerback position will finally become stable, and even really good. But....

There is a reason we were able to pick up this amazing player. He comes with lots of baggage. And although many of us, including myself, are happy to have this amazing specimen on The Dallas Cowboys roster, if you have the time, please read this article-http://vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1111516/1/index.htm-by Rick Reilly, formerly of Sports Illustrated. It might give you the grain of salt you've needed.

Evening Chat With the G's

Here again with everyone's favorite Ranger's parents, Mr. and Mrs. G.

Mr. G, how's it feel to see your son get the win in your home state?

He pitched horrible, but his team picked him up. Henry from down the street won't let me hear the end of it though. Who the hells gives a damn if his son is a mid-level manager in that big building with the big red key on it. But my son is still a gosh darn good major league pitcher. Excuse my language dear.

Mrs. G, who do you like in the Indy 500?

Well, this is really the one race you can't really predict because of the wide range of conditions. But the lack of practice time really gives the advantage to the veterans. The eleven rookies this year don't have a chance. My personal favorite is Helio Castroneves, so I'm going to go with him. He's won it twice already along with Dancing with the Stars. So I say Helio will be climbing the fence again on Sunday.

Mr. G, the French Open is coming up, can Federer break through?

It's hard to go against Nadal, and Federer hasn't been amazing this year. So I'm going to say no.

Mrs. G, any random basketball thoughts this week?

• Kobe should grow out his half-fro again.
• Michael Jordan's leather jacket and single loop gold earing really draws parallel to a retired bull.
• The Seattle Storm have 6 MVP awards on their team. (Sheryl Swoops 3, Lauren Jackson 2, Yolanda Griffith)
• Rudy Fernandez is going to be awesome next year for the Trail Blazers.
• The Nuggets and Mavericks really need to make a trade this summer.
• Hopefully the Mavs can bring back Diop and Finley
• This draft is going to be awesome

Mr. G, who are you picking in the UFC fight this Saturday?

B.J. Penn. He's a better striker and a better grappler, so it doesn't matter that his wrestling isn't as good because his takedown defense is enough.Iif you want to use a logical fallacy to prove it, you can say that Matt Hughes beat Sean Sherk in 5 rounds; B.J. Penn beat Matt Hughes in 2 minutes.

Mrs. G, so are you guys going to round the bases tonight?

[awkward silence]

Thanks again for your time, it's been fun. See you next time.

If I were Pat Riley

I would forget the idea of building a team around Wade and Marion for a year, and go for the coolest draft ever and start planning my championship parades for 2011-2014. Wade is injury prone, and Marion is about to be a huge flop. Get what you can now.

First, trade Dwayne Wade to the Chicago Bulls (where he's probably going to end up after two seasons anyway). Get the first pick, and another piece either 2010 first round pick or Tyrus Thomas or Joakim Noah, whatever you can get. Also, you'll have to take on Larry Hughes' contract (about 13 million a year for two years, but it runs out before the 2010 free agency).

Trading Marion is a bit tougher, since it's hard to find a team with a decent pick that would want him. The idea is to take on decent players that will be gone by 2010, along with getting a pick to secure DeAndre Jordan (Texas A&M 7'0" center, solid defender that can develop). Some possible teams:

The Clippers: Depending on how they feel about Livingston and if Elton Brand stays, they could sign a couple decent guards to go with Kaman, Thornton, Marion, and Brand.

Marion for the number 7 pick, Tim Thomas (6 million one year), and Cuttino Mobley (9-10 million/2 years, but runs out before 2010 free agency)

The Knicks: Don't be fooled by the front office change. Donnie Walsh isn't that great either. Reunite Marion and D'Antoni for Jerome James (terrible center, 6.6 million/2 years, up in 2010), Quentin Richardson (9 million/2 years) and the 6th pick.

The Pacers: Take Jermain O'Neal off there hands (21-23 million/2 years), 11th pick. This won't happen. I see the Pacers taking Augustine or Westbrook.

Marion could still opt out this year, which would make all of this impossible.
The Heat could trade down from the 6 or 7th pick and still get DeAndre Jordan (around 10 or 11).

Miami then would have Rose, Beasley, DeAndre Jordan, Daequan Cook, Marcus Banks, Marc Blount, Smush Parker and Udonis Haslem. Along with Larry Hughes, maybe Thomas/Noah, Tim Thomas/Jerome James, and Richardson/Mobley.

This team would most likely be terrible. Sorry, Erik Spoelstra, but this sets up nicely for Pat Riley to return to the bench in a couple years (after you step aside for family reasons) when they are championship contenders. Plus they get another good pick in 2009.

The Heat would then go into the 2010 Free Agency with a little under 30 million on the books (rookie contracts are cheap, top picks get about 6 million in year 3). The NBA salary cap probably will be around 55 million for that year. Leaving them plenty of room to sign LeBron or someone else.

2010-2011 Roster:
PG Derrick Rose
SG Daequan Cook
SF LeBron James
PF Michael Beasley
C DeAndre Jordan

Bench: Marcus Banks (defensive guard), Tyrus Thomas/Joakim Noah, 2009 draft pick (high energy scorer), ,Veteran Foward, Mid-level exception free agent (3-pt shooter), Veteran Guard Buyout, 2010 draft pick, Robert Horry

Coach: Pat Riley/Phil Jackson

*I don't know what Pat Riley could get for Marion. Probably more than #6 and one decent player and one terrible player.
**ESPN trade machine hasn't been updated yet, so I'll check these at the end of the playoffs.

Ranger's Starting Lineup

Vincente Padilla (SP): "You won't believe what I did last night"

Frankie Francisco (RP): "Give me your hands boss"

Chris Shelton (1B): "My father was Rusty Greer and my mother was an Irish she-goat"

Michael Young (All-Star SS): "Mya See, Mya"

Ramon Vasquez (3B): "Of course I will babysit your 8-13 year old children"

Ian Kinsler (2B): "Is Ramon still looking at me?"

Brandon Boggs (LF): "I'm just the token black outfielder"







David Murphy "Murph" (RF): "I did some stuntdoubling work in Ferris Bueller's Day Off"

Josh Hamilton (CF): "Jesus said that if I was good, I would be allowed to lick the bowl!"







Gerald Lair (C): I leave it to you, the readers.

You can start here: http://youtube.com/watch?v=BovQyphS8kA

Manny being Manny

Late night thoughts with Mr. and Mrs. G

Mr. G, what do you think about Avery Johnson's future?

I think he'd be a good coach just about anywhere. The Bulls or Suns. But the ideal situation would be in Detroit, if they part ways with Flip Saunders . He can get them playing at their full potential and guide the younger players in non-pressure roles.


Mrs. G, name five scary sports figures?

Kevin Garnett (completely insane)
Vincente Padilla (has killed before)
Marvin Harrison (theme for GTA V, after Rockstar buys Madden and fuses theme together)
Mike Tyson (would have ripped that kangaroo's head off)
That man that hit my son, he should be kicked out of the league for that behavior

Mr. G, the WNBA is starting soon, who's your pick?

The Sparks. People think the NBA has a tanking problem. But when a star athlete can fake pregnancy for a whole year, just so their team can get the number one pick to take a future superstar. That's messed up. They have a serious problem. But you can't discredit the Sparks for taking advantage of a bad system.

Mrs. G, what's your opinion on performance enhancing drugs *wink* *wink*?

[awkward silence]


I'm afraid that's all the time we have with America's favorite couple. See you next time on "Late night thoughts with Mr. and Mrs. G" (after ever Kason Gabbard start). Go Rangers (and Rays).

Reader writes off ESPN writers

"Spurs sting Hornets" and "Wings clip Stars"

I don't know what to say. Are they going for "wait a second, wings usually get clipped. They don't do the clipping. Oh, I think I get it, oh yeah it's irony, oh man I love you ESPN and your witty, ironic sports journalism." (Not to mention that they used the the headline "Hornets sting Spurs" about three days earlier)

Well guess who doesn't...



That really didn't answer the question. But I'm sure the gopher is with me and thousands of others.

I just want the news (and touching stories about old blind men bowling a 300). So just stick the the normal pun headlines and we'll be alright.

Oh, and for the love of god take off that damn fan comment feature. It's making me less patriotic.

The State of Hockey: A Response

While it is true that Gary Bettman has been largely responsible for the NHL's rapid decline in popularity he is not the only one to blame. Hockey's fall from grace is due to many factors. The three main ones are the popularity of the neutral zone trap, the NHLPA, and the influx of European players.
The man who is most responsible for the downfall of the NHL might just be Jacques Lemaire. The crafty coach is best known for utilizing the neutral zone trap with great results. What the "trap" essentially does is have the defensive teams forwards clog up the neutral zone, eliminating much of a chance of an effective fore-check. I for one think this strategy is ingenious and it often gives teams, such as the Minnesota Wild, that lack talent the chance to compete against more talented teams. The trend became quite widespread throughout the league after Lemaire's New Jersey Devils won the cup in '95. However with the trap comes less scoring and the appearance of a dull defensive game to the casual fan who is not attuned to the nuances of the sport. While the new post-lockout rules seek to give offenses a spark, the league is nowhere close to resurrecting the high flying offenses of the 80's.
There's no doubt that as hockey's popularity decreased and smaller market teams could not keep up with rising costs, the need for a salary cap became evident. However the NHLPA, and its stubborn president Bod Goodenow, refused to even acknowledge the idea. The resulting loss of the 04-05 season was arguably the lowest point in the sport's history. Finally, the players union gave in, Goodenow resigned, and the salary cap was implemented. Yet it came at a very high cost.
What might be the most disheartening of factors is the influx of European players. While the talent and skill of these players is undeniable many casual fans have found it difficult to overcome their xenophobic impulses and root for Euro players with the same enthusiasm as North American players. It's not a much of a secret that North American players are favored to win awards over Euro players often based on their descent alone. It’s also now a common joke that many NHL player's names are hard to pronounce. Hockey's resident idiot Don Cherry is famous for his views that Euro players are "soft".
The time has come for the NHL and hockey fans to embrace its role as a "cult" sport. It is after all a Canadian sport and will never challenge the other Big 3 in the United States. While many hockey fans bemoan the second rate status hockey receives in the United States, they may not realize the benefits. I for one enjoy knowing that the sport I care most about has the most devoted and knowledgeable fans of any other sport. If casual fans complain about the difficulty of following the sport, not understanding the all the rules, or worst of all bitch about "not being able to see the puck" than by all means they can go fuck themselves. I would rather have a small passionate fan base than the boring masses that wonder out to football games each fall. This sport has arguably the best history, containing everything from the Eddie Shore incident to Richard Riot to the amazing Summit Series. Hockey is too great a sport to water down just to attract the very kind of fans that would ruin it.

(This was originally a comment but it soon became too long so I just went ahead and it posted it.)

The State of Hockey

With the NHL Conference Finals about to begin, I must talk about the state of hockey.

First of all, hockey is a great sport. Possibly even the best sport. What other sport is as violent as hockey, yet requires so much pure skill and athleticism?

Football? People profess football to be the "tough" and "manly" sport, but hockey is just as "tough" and "manly." Hockey allows players to hit and check each other, either against the boards or in the open ice. This hit by Brendan Morrow of the Stars in Game 6 against the Sharks is as jarring as any football hit. Plus, hockey players have much less padding. Football players play once a week because their bodies can't stand the rigor for more games than that. Hockey players play once every 2 or 3 days. They often have back-to-back games, even in the playoffs.

Baseball is America's pastime because of its storied tradition and history. Started in the early 1900s like the MLB, the NHL also has its own storied tradition and history. MLB's dynasty, the New York Yankees (26 championships), rivals the NHL's own dynasty, the Montreal Canadiens (24 championships). Baseball's steeped tradition includes many rituals and player codes, among them the beaning code. If an opposing pitcher beans one of your players, then next inning your pitcher must bean one of the opposing team's players, preferably one of their best players. This sends a message to the other team that you will protect your teammates. In hockey, if someone hits one of your skill players, then the enforcer on your team must hit one of the other team's skill players and then fight the person that hit your skill player. Like in baseball, this sends a message to the other team that you will protect your teammates.

The NBA is known for its star players and their godly skill. Well, the NHL has its own future legend (LeBron James/Sidney Crosby) and its own future-MVP, second-year superstar (Chris Paul/Evgeni Malkin), not to mention others like Mike Modano, Joe Thornton, Martin Brodeur, Jaromir Jagr, and Alexander Ovechkin. Did I mention fighting? A punch in the NBA is an automatic suspension while an entire fight in the NHL will result in 2 or 5 minutes in the penalty box. Brawls are not too rare. (By the way, is there anything better than a goalie fight? It's like watching a midget fight or a cripple fight, except that you don't feel ashamed to laugh while you're watching it)

For those people that like soccer, hockey has basically the same premise: get the ball/puck into your opponent's goal. Hockey, though, is faster-paced and much more exciting.

The fan experience at NHL games is intense, much like the rabid atmosphere of a Roman coliseum. Fans in the front row can bang on the glass and become a part of the game environment. In no other sport do the ushers not let you back to your seat until a stoppage of play, because they don't want you to get hit by a 90 mph puck (much harder than a baseball) while you're walking back to your seat.

Playoff hockey (and hockey in general) is also, in my opinion, the most intense. Because of the intensity, you just can't take your eyes off the TV screen. A goal could be scored at any minute. There's nothing better than staying up late watching multiple overtimes of playoff hockey, grinding contests of endurance, focus, and will.

Finally, hockey is the ultimate team sport. It has the least amount of statistics simply because there aren't that many statistics to keep. You either score a goal or assist with one, and you can't do either of them without the help of your teammates.

Now I must tell you how Gary Bettman, the NHL commissioner for the past 16 years, has ruined the NHL and hockey. His ineptness has turned the NHL into a second-tier league that is often the butt of sports jokes. Remember, in the early 90s, the NHL was more popular than the NBA in many places, including New York, with stars like Wayne Gretzky and Mark Messier. The league was making huge profits every year, and everything was looking good. Then, Bettman came along, and the NHL has since gone through 4 bankruptcies, 3 franchise moves (although I'm glad the Stars moved), 2 lockouts, and one entire lost season. The NHL has been relegated to TV channels such as Versus, and people with a basic cable package will not even be able to see 6 of the 7 games of the Western Conference Finals. There have been more college bowl games or even poker games on network television/basic cable than the entire NHL playoffs. For goodness sake, these are the playoffs of one of the top 4 sports leagues in the U.S.! The recent expansion into the south has also been ill-planned and worthless. Cities like Columbus, Atlanta, Nashville, Phoenix, and Raleigh do not care about hockey and are sapping the league's revenue. Finally, Bettman's crackdown on fighting has deprived hockey fans of one of the oldest traditions. This is what NHL fights look like nowadays.

Fantasy Basketball Roto Style

If our fantasy basketball league were rotisserie:

Tim 61
Jordan 59
Jimmy 54
Michael 53
Josh 52
Farouk 51

Tim's still the best, but Jordan's team was much better than his record, and Josh was definently playing a heads-up strategy (or got insanely lucky).

WOW

129 minutes; 3 seconds (3 overtimes and then some for those who don't do math)

3 for 117 shooting; combination of Evgeni Nabokov and Marty Turco (2 worst statistical playoff goalies)

One important powerplay

A full bowl in the American Airlines Arena, cheering their guts off until 1:23 a.m.

Maybe Mavs fans could learn a few things

Fenway Park? Fuck that! Give me U.S. Cellular Field!

Sports Illustrated recently released their MLB ballpark rankings as voted on by the fans and for the most part they’re fairly solid. No, I’m just kidding they’re completely “what the fuck”. Let me just provide a few quick examples for your benefit. Glorious Fenway Park, with its rich history and famous Green Monster, does not quite come up to par with Toronto’s cavern from the not so distant future known as the Roger’s Centre ( That’s not a typo. Apparently the Blue Jays are trying to attract Quebecois fans with the ever-luring “r” before “e” gimmick.) Our not perfect but none-the-less beloved Ballpark in Arlington with classic brick exterior and right field deck is outclassed by the decrepit Tropicana Field which rains debris on unsuspecting Rays fans. It’s also the only baseball park known to give seasonal depression in the summer. Most glaring of all and one that makes me question just what kind of “fans” were asked is the fact that Wrigley Field fell at the hands of its south side neighbor, the drab and so-boring-it-hurts, U.S. Cellular Field. I mean it is FUCKING WRIGLEY FIELD! Who the fuck do you think you are so called “fans”. Now I know other factors went into the rankings such as affordability and fan IQ, as if you could objectively judge that, but why would SI.com even publish this fucking travesty. I’ll just leave you with this fact.

The fans think this is nice but...

Hell Yeah its baseball season!





Next week I'll review random ESPN.com fan comments such as "SOX SUX! YANKS 4EVA" and "i like watching cars go fast!".

DALLAS CURSE POTENTIALLY LIFTED?

I know what you're thinking, Dallas has a curse? I've never heard of that. Well if you've paid attention to the last three years, you might have realized that Dallas as a city is being punished for something. Boston Redsox, boo hoo. Chicago Cubs? How about the Bears and Bulls. No, this transcends any single sport.

It all started two years ago in the NHL playoffs. The Stars were posed to bring the Cup back to Dallas, but got beaten in five games by the Colorado Avalanch in the first round. Big disappointment, but it happens. Next, the NBA playoffs. The Dallas Mavericks were up 2 games to nill with a comanding lead at the end of game three. All of a sudden, the Mavs go cold, and the Miami Heat go on to win game 3. And 4. And 5. Oh yeah, and 6. A devestating blow, given by Dwayne Wade and the fine upstanding refs of the NBA.

That's OK, 2007 was Dallas's year. The Cowboys, the Mavericks, the Desperados, and the Stars were all ready to win their selective sports. First off, the Mavs again were at the top of the Western Conference, and the entire league, putting up an amazing record, winning 67 games (6th most in history). They got beat by their old coach Nelly (man did that guy look drunk most of the time when he was on the court), oh yeah, and to the 8th seed!! No team that had won 65 games or more had ever been put out in the first round. Arena football was no better. The Desperados went 15-1 in the regular season, setting an Arena Football League record. Led by Clint Dolezel, hitting the 800 touchdown mark that year, the most in Arena Football history, they were posed to win it all. Instead, the Desperados took a 66-59 loss to the Columbus Destroyers in their first game of the playoffs. OK, how bout' them Cowboys? Despite winning the AFC with a 13-3 recore, they lost to the NY "Football" (is that what sport they play?) Giants in the NFC Championship. And despite the fact that the Giants went on to win the Superbowl against an undefeated team, meh, we coulda done that.

Here's my question. What the hell did someone do to Dallas? I've heard of no Babe Ruth bologna, no fricken goat problems (they even have a bring you dog to the ballpark day), so what is it? Did Cuban make a deal with the devil that he couldn't cash. Did Jerry Jones step on a midget while cursing Bill Parcells? Idk, but if you have ideas please comment.

Thus brings us into 2008. The Cowboys have drafted Felix Jones to replace Julius Jones, the Mavs have been pushed out of the NBA playoffs versus an inexperienced team that most would pick against in this series (though technically the Mavs were seeded lower), and the Desperados just lost to the Philidelphia Soul in a battle of the undefeateds.

Oh yeah, and the fricken Stars beat the Anaheim Ducks in the first round, advancing to the second round of the playoffs for the first time since 2003. They are now ahead 3-1 in their series against the San Jose Sharks, a team picked by most to win the Stanley Cup (even Barry Melrose picked them!!!!). Now assuming that we win (knock on Avery Johnson's old desk), the Stars pose a legitimate threat to go all the way.

Moral of this post? Dallas could theorhetically, maybe, semi-potentially end the Dallas curse. But even if they don't, there is one thing Dallas fans can never be disappointed in. The Texas Rangers have never even gotten close to a World Series. Sometimes you need a good constant in your life.

Close your eyes, as I take you on a wonderful journey

You'll actually need your eyes to read this. But after you've read it and memorized it, close your eyes and go through it again in your head.

This begins back in December 2005:

The Rangers are patient, don't feel the need win the next year. They hold on to Chris Young and Adrian Gonzales.

Next year, John Daniels doesn't go crazy and trade Danks for McCarthey.

This year, even with how awesome Josh Hamilton is, we don't trade Volquez.

Also this year, we find a fucking roster spot for Armando Galarraga. Seriously, this looks really, really stupid now.

Now here's the painful part. The Rangers 2008 rotation.

	ERA	WHIP	K	Games
Chris Young	3.63	1.38	33	6
John Danks	3.00	.93	20	5
Edison Volquez	1.23	1.23	33	5
Armando Galarraga	1.50	.072	13	3
Kason Gabbard	2.18	1.45	8	4

Note: Ages 29, 23, 24, 26, 26

With Thomas Diamond and Eric Hurley still waiting around.

Obviously too small of a sample to really judge. But we'll check this again mid-season, and compare the VORP numbers of these guys vs. the Rangers staff.

VORP UPDATE: Rangers Rotation -1.9 to Dream Rotation 43.8

The Four Wise Men?

The other day, some pompous bastard told me that he wanted to "contribute" to our little blog. I told him that this simply would not work because we already have three blog authors. If we added one more person, we wouldn't be the Three Wise Men anymore. "The Four Wise Men" just doesn't roll off the tongue the same way.

However, this pompous bastard threatened to have his lawyers sue me for racial discrimination. Apparently, whites are considered a minority in this country now. I should probably let him be an author so that people don't think I'm a racist (the horror!). Plus, I figure that we can use his lawyers when one of us is sued for libel.

On that note, I'd like to introduce the newest member of our blogging family: Mr. J. Hillin.

Reading the ESPN article on where the Mavs go from here.

All assuming that the Mavericks will lose the series. They asked a few questions to their panel of experts and idiots.

I thought that I would just share some of my thoughts on their thoughts.

1. How will you evaluate the J-Kidd trade?

The best:

Ford: A huge mistake. Kidd doesn't have the speed to keep up with the Chris Pauls and Tony Parkers of the world. Devin Harris does. That leadership in the fourth quarter that Kidd was supposed to bring doesn't help much when you're getting run out of the gym.

Sheridan: Didn't like that one either when they made it, and we're all seeing why. In that conference, Kidd is too slow to match up with a lot of opposing point guards, and he can't take 25 percent of his playoff games off anymore like he used to do in New Jersey.

No surprise it's from the two smartest writers on ESPN.

The "I can see where you coming from but you missed the point " answers:

Broussard: Again, they weren't going to win it as they were, so they took a chance. But this trade was clearly a bust because they gave up so much youth, and it cost them an extra $11 million when they had to revamp the trade to keep Stackhouse out of it.

Abbott: Chris Paul was, in the regular season, even better against Devin Harris than he was against Kidd. So, while Kidd may not have been a magic ingredient for the Mavericks, I'm also not sure he was the problem.

The "Obviously this guy really likes the Mavericks/hopelessly optimistic" answer:

Stein: I'm grading it the way it should be graded ... incomplete. I underestimated how poorly Kidd fits in Avery Johnson's offense and overestimated his ability to convince the coach to loosen things up. Can a more Kidd-friendly coach rejuvenate a 35-year-old point guard that is starting to show his age? I need to have that answer before I punt.

2. Will Mark Cuban fire Avery Johnson? Should he?

The Best:

Broussard: My guess, based on what sources say, is that he will get fired. Avery's a great young coach and he'll get another job quickly, but the Mavs need a fresh voice and a fresh start. And you know what they say: You can't fire the players.

Stein: Avery is definitely out. Can't blame him exclusively for the New Orleans series but this has been building for months. Coach and the owner don't have the same relationship they once had and the authoritarian intensity that was such a successful contrast to Don Nelson's style early in the Avery Era is too easily tuned out now. Throw in the scars that linger from the playoff losses to Miami and Golden State and it's clearly time for a change.

The "When was the last time this guy watch a Mavericks game" answer:

Legler: Avery Johnson is one of the best coaches in the NBA. Period. Before Mark Cuban considers firing him he should ask himself who could improve their chances of winning a title. This team competes. They respond to Avery and they are well prepared. The problem lies in their personnel and their mental toughness. The guy is a top-tier coach. End of story.

The painfully truthful answer:

Ford: No, I don't think Cuban will fire him. I think it's difficult for Mark to admit to mistakes, and he's made several with Johnson. Should he fire him? Yes. Johnson never really let the reins loose on Kidd and he never got really comfortable with the team. Johnson was a good point guard in the NBA -- but Kidd has been much better.

Now on to the best question (because it comes with a WTF guarantee).

3. What roster moves should Dallas make to stay among the West's elite?

I won't judge here(I will). Honestly. Go ahead and tell me what you think.

Abbott: Remember how Rasheed Wallace was often spectacular, but ultimately unreliable and unsuccessful as a leading man -- but then became a second banana and won a title? I wonder if that might be the recipe for Dirk Nowitzki. Rather than Dirk creating and kicking out to somebody else, maybe somebody else should create and kick out to Dirk.

Saw this with Nash. Maybe it would work with a little more defense and more focus on Dirk this time around. Answer rating: 4/5

Adande: It's not going to happen with Dirk Nowitzki, so they might as well trade him. True, NBA teams rarely get better when they trade a superstar. But they could get some good young players, and with Dirk's salary gone and Kidd's contract up next year the Mavericks could position themselves to make a run at a superstar such as LeBron James or Dwyane Wade in the big free agency summer of 2010.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. WHAT A GREAT FUCKING IDEA. There are only about 22 other teams trying to do exactly that. Plus Dallas will never get Dwyane Wade unless he brings back the trophy when he comes. But seriously, this is your idea. Let's get rid of our best player who has been the face of the franchise for at least four years. Sit through a painful season with a team without an identity led by an aging point guard, so that we can try to land LeBron James with what will be the largest NBA contract ever. But at least will have a good young rookie to pair with him right? Oh wait, we don't have a first round pick in 2010. We'll have Dampier and Terry assuming the don't get traded. I bet Lebron would love to come here and compete with a team that would be worse than the one he put on his back in last years playoffs. But hey, we would have LeBron James. Maybe one day I'll try to put together a full list of teams that could and might try this strategy. Until then I'll be laughing at the articles written by Jack Ass Adande (get it it's like the JA in his name stands for Jack Ass).
Answer Rating: "47 lols" /5

Broussard: Kidd for Iverson. Not sure it makes either team a contender, but both clubs need a shake-up.

At first I was like what the fuck, but really this is a pretty cool idea. This offense is more of a score the ball yourself, and Iverson would continue to attack the basket when everyone else settles for jumpers. I don't think the Nuggets would ever do this though. Answer rating: 5/5 for creativity and brevity.

Ford: Ironically, they traded away what they really needed -- a young, quick point guard who can penetrate to the basket and defend the young point guards in the West. I'm not sure that guy is out there unless they're willing to part with Josh Howard. They've traded away many of their other assets.

Sheridan: Use the midlevel to find an undervalued player the way Orlando did when it went out and got Hedo Turkoglu. Someone is needed to provide a spark and some speed off the bench.

I really love both of these guys. 10/10 for the Sheridan-Ford combo.

Stein: It was less than two years ago that the Mavs were being hailed for their athleticism when they finally toppled San Antonio. Now? Everyone sees that they are woefully slow and unathletic around Nowitzki. Yet these problems naturally would be easier to address if Dallas' best trade chip (Howard) didn't just significantly dent his trade value with a dreadful series and his inexplicable marijuana monologues. The silver lining for the Mavs is that Kidd doesn't have the leverage to demand a lucrative contract extension this summer, which means he'll be playing on a $21.3 million expiring contract next season. If a new coach and offseason tweaking aren't enough to hoist this team back into the West's elite, Dallas should have the financial flexibility/trade asset to start working on a major makeover.

Long but great answer. Answer Rating: 4/5 for optimism

Hollinger: I'm not sure they can. Right now they're down to seven effective players, five of whom will be 30 or older next season. Dallas keeps lusting after veteran role players in their mid-30s, but they've got to refocus on building the talent base back up and snagging a couple more Brandon Basses off the scrap heap.

Hollinger has decent answers sometimes, but his style of writing is a bit dramatic. Maybe I just read it wrong because I think the guy is an arrogant asshole, but this is how I read it.

Hollinger: [long sigh] I'm not sure they can. [shakes head in dissaproval] Right now they're down to seven effective players [Check out my new super duper Hollinger number crunch of the week to see how many effective players you have on your favorite team], five of whom will be 30 or older next season [I invented a formula that subtracts the players birthday from next season's date to compute this. I call it the Hollinger-future-age formula]. Dallas keeps lusting after veteran role players in their mid-30s[get the younger sexier ones, the ones where the sweat beads slowly fall down their rippled bodies], but they've got to refocus on building the talent base back up and snagging a couple more Brandon Basses off the scrap heap [I see players as parts to a machine, "you can't run that engine with just one Brandon Bass, you ought to go down to the scrap yard and snag ya a couple more. Now then, you'll have yourself an engine].

[Note: I recognize John Hollinger makes some good stats, and I'm a big sabremetric guy. I make fun of him because he names everything after himself and complements his good stats with a shit load of stupid ones.(like the playoff odds) Oh and he rights in a condescending tone]

I apologize for the length of this article. The goal of this blog is to get a lot of important information out fast and record Karson and Josh's ridiculous picks for future humiliation. Won't happen again. (until I write my article on why David Stern is a terrible commissioner and additional commentary on JA Adande and John Hollinger).

Draft Tidbits

Some interesting things about the draft, according to my sources:

1. If the Cowboys had taken Jenkins at 22, they would have lost out on both Mendenhall and Felix Jones. Pittsburgh jumped on Mendenhall at 23, and the Titans were set to take Jones at 24. Jerry knew this because he was working the phones to get ahead of San Diego and grab Jenkins. Of course, we asked the Titans if they wanted to trade since they had pick 24: the idiotic Titans told Jerry (before we picked at 22) they would not trade because they wanted Felix Jones. Decision made, thanks.

2. Jerry was really pushing to get Roy Williams or Anquan Boldin in a first round trade. Neither team would budge even with Dallas making very strong offers. Rumor has it the offer was more than Washington offered the Bengals for Chad Johnson. The Detroit Free Press is now ripping Matt Millen.

3. Jerry wanted to trade up in round 2 to get WR James Hardy. The rest of the war room did not agree, convincing him to stand pat.

4. Martellus Bennett was not drafted as a back-up for Jason Witten. Garrett plans to use him heavily in two TE sets and as a lead blocker, something Fasano could not do. He is about to get a crash course.

5. Mel Kiper gave KC an A for their draft. The next highest grade of B+ went to, you guessed it, the Cowboys!

6. Orlando Scandrick was projected as a second rounder by Mel Kiper (we got him in the 5th). They say that if Scandrick had gone back for his senior year, he would have been a first round pick.

7. Two of the notable undrafted free agents we have signed so far are Danny Amendola, the WR from Texas Tech, and Marcus Dixon, the DE from Hampton. Amendola is very similar to Wes Welker: short stature, quick, good punt returner, elusive in the open field, from Texas Tech, and tough as nails. Let's hope he turns out the same. Marcus Dixon is the guy who made national news after being released from jail for rape, with mentions on Oprah and ESPN.

8. Many people were disappointed that we did not draft Mario Manningham, the talented receiver from Michigan, when he fell to the third round. However, the Cowboys did not even have him on their draft board because he skipped an interview with the Cowboys during the combine, which is basically the same as not showing up to a job interview. It's bad enough that Mario smokes pot, but he also lied about it to NFL teams even though they had his positive marijuana results. He even needed handlers to take care of him in college. Lastly, Mario scored a 6 out of 50 on the Wonderlic test. Good luck with that, New York Giants.

NFL Draft Day 2

Day 2 of the draft, to put it simply, was extremely frustrating. The Cowboys traded down 4 times before making their first pick! It was not necessary at all to trade down and pick up extra picks later that aren't going to make the roster. Jerry Jones does this every year: he trades down for average value and then trades up again, causing us to miss out on good players that were drafted between our original and final spot. The only good thing was that after all the trading was done, we ended up with an extra 3rd and 4th rounder next year. This either means the Cowboys think next year's draft is really deep, or they are stockpiling picks to have enough ammo for a veteran WR trade.

The Cowboys would have taken Charles Godfrey, the defensive back from Iowa, had he been there at their 3rd round pick. As it was, they traded down a gazillion times to get Tashard Choice, a RB from Georgia Tech. We got good value for him in the 4th since he was projected for the middle of the 3rd round. Choice will be insurance in case Marion Barber leaves next year or Barber/Felix get hurt (Alonzo Spellman was our current third back). He will also give the Cowboys leverage in long-term contract negotiations with Barber.

The next pick, Orlando Scandrick CB Boise State, was also good value in the 5th. He was projected to go late 3rd/early 4th. Scandrick was also taken for injury/depth/insurance reasons. If Terence Newman walks as a free agent, Scandrick will be needed as a backup. For now, he will compete with our young corners Alan Ball, Evan Oglesby, and Courtney Brown for the 5th cornerback spot.

The last pick in the 6th was a "WTF JERRY!" pick. Jerry Jones usually has a couple of these a year in the later rounds. Every year the "WTF JERRY!" picks are players from small schools that do not fill a position the Cowboys need. Jerry touts these players as his sleeper projects. This year, Erik Walden, a DE from Middle Tennessee State, fits the bill. Many rankings did not have him as one of the top 50 DEs in the draft, and he wasn't even included in Pro Football Weekly's draft guide. I think we should have taken a nose tackle here to pair with Tank Johnson so that Jay Ratliff can move to his natural position outside at DE. I would even prefer a quarterback that can be brought along slowly as the backup, rather than having Father Time (Brad Johnson) as our current backup QB.

We didn't take a receiver in this draft, and I can live with that. None of the receivers in the later rounds would have beat out Miles Austin, Sam Hurd, or Isiah Stanback for a roster spot anyways. Plus, Stanback is basically like a rookie because he was injured most of last year, his rookie season. I believe that Stanback, the athletic QB-turned-WR, just might be the speedster that we've been looking for to pair with Terrell Owens.

Here's what we've lost and gained so far this off-season:

Julius Jones ---> Felix Jones
Tyson Thompson ---> Tashard Choice
Jacques Reeves ---> Pacman Jones
Nate Jones ---> Mike Jenkins
Keith Davis ---> Orlando Scandrick
Akin Ayodele ---> Zach Thomas
Anthony Fasano ---> Martellus Bennett
Jason Ferguson ---> Undrafted free agent?

That looks pretty good to me. We improved at nearly every position we lost a player, especially the secondary.

I give the Cowboys' second day a B- and the Cowboys' draft as a whole a B+.

NFL Draft Day 1

All in all, Day 1 turned out to be pretty intriguing, with many surprises and trades.

First off, there were no receivers taken in the first round. Then, teams made up for this by picking receivers like crazy in the second round, though not in the order that ANYBODY predicted, starting with Donnie Avery from Houston, who was not even on most people's top 5 receiver list. Jerome Simpson, a receiver from Coastal Carolina, went before Desean Jackson, Malcolm Kelly, AND Limas Sweed.

The Steelers got two of the steals so far with Rashard Mendenhall at pick 23 and Limas Sweed at the bottom of the second round. Sweed was supposed to be a first round pick, and some say Mendenhall will turn out better than Darren McFadden. The Steelers got lucky by just sitting on their butts at their original draft spots.

On to the Cowboys: I was estatic when both Mendenhall and Mike Jenkins, one of the elite corners in the draft, were still there at the Cowboys' #22. It was a dream scenario. Imagine my dismay when the Cowboys took Felix Jones. I felt the same way I did when the Cowboys passed on Stephen Jackson a couple of years ago and ended up with... Julius Jones. However, Felix is no Julius. Although I'd rather have had Mendenhall, Felix will still be a good lightning to Marion the Barbarian's thunder. Plus, imagine our field position with Felix returning kickoffs and Pacman returning punts.

Our next pick was a steal: we traded up from pick 28 to 25 to get Mike Jenkins, who fell quite a bit. No complaints from me here. Jenkins should solidify our secondary, which will have to go against some of the big-play offensive threats that our division rivals ended up drafting: Devin Thomas (WR, Michigan St.), Malcolm Kelly (WR, Oklahoma), and Fred Davis (TE, USC) for the Redskins and Desean Jackson (WR, California) for the Eagles.

It should be noted that neither Felix Jones nor Mike Jenkins would have lasted much longer if we had not picked them. Tennessee would have taken Jones instead of reaching for Chris Johnson at pick 24, and San Diego would have taken Jenkins instead of Antoine Cason at #27.

The Cowboys' last pick of Day 1 might end up being the most controversial. Right after trading former 2nd round tight end Anthony Fasano and linebacker Akin Ayodele to the Dolphins for a fourth rounder, Dallas picked another tight end in the second round, Martellus Bennett from Texas A&M. Many people are screaming bloody murder at Jerry Jones for trading away a former 2nd round TE for a 4th rounder only to take another one in the 2nd round, but I sort of like this pick. Just because Fasano was drafted in the 2nd round doesn't mean he was playing like a 2nd rounder. Bennett is a big, athletic tight end who can also block. He reminds me a little of Antonio Gates, since Bennett also plays basketball, occasionally lines up in the slot as a receiver, and runs a faster 40 than Oklahoma WR Malcolm Kelly! In the end, none of the receivers left were worth taking in the 2nd round, so Bennett was a good choice to pair with Jason Witten.

I give the Cowboys an A- for their first-day efforts.

NFL Draft Preview

For most people, Christmas is on Dec. 25. Not for me. Christmas usually occurs around the last week of April every year for me. Yes, I am a draft junkie. I usually watch the entire NFL draft from beginning to end, all 15 hours of it. Good thing they're shortening the first round this year from 15 to 10 minutes.

This year's draft is especially deep in offensive linemen and running backs. That means the Dolphins, by locking up Jake Long as the first pick already, have gotten the best player at the deepest position in this draft. Here are my top players at each position this year (some of these rankings are drastically different than what the "experts" say):

Quarterbacks
1. Matt Ryan, Boston College
2. Chad Henne, Michigan
3. Joe Flacco, Delaware
4. Brian Brohm, Louisville

Sleeper/Best player you've never heard of: Josh Johnson, San Diego

Running backs
1. Darren McFadden, Arkansas - Will NOT drop below the 6th spot.
2. Rashard Mendenhall, Illinois
3. Jonathan Stewart, Oregon - There's a big drop-off after Stewart.
4. Felix Jones, Arkansas - Can also return kicks
5. Chris Johnson, East Carolina - Fast son-of-a-gun
6. Kevin Smith, Central Florida - My sleeper pick for RBs
7. Ray Rice, Rutgers
8. Jamaal Charles, Texas - Waaay overrated. He's got speed and nothing else.

Wide Receivers
1. Devin Thomas, Michigan State
2. James Hardy, Indiana - The complete package
3. Desean Jackson, California - More useful as returner than receiver
4. Malcolm Kelly, Oklahoma - I'd put him #3 if not for injury concerns.
5. Limas Sweed, Texas

Sleeper/Best player you've never heard of: Jordy Nelson, Kansas State

Tight Ends
Fred Davis (USC), Martellus Bennett (Texas A&M), Dustin Keller (Purdue), and John Carlson (Notre Dame) are all pretty much equal.

Offensive Line
1. Jake Long, Michigan
2. Branden Albert, Virginia
3. Ryan Clady, Boise State
4. Jeff Otah, Pittsburgh
5. Chris Williams, Vanderbilt
6. Gosder Cherilus, Boston College - Protected Matt Ryan's blindside
7. Sam Baker, USC

Linebackers
1. Keith Rivers, USC
2. Jerod Mayo, Tennessee
3. Dan Conner, Penn State
4. Curtis Lofton, Oklahoma

Cornerbacks
1. Leodis McKelvin, Troy
2. Mike Jenkins, South Florida
3. Dominique-Rodgers Cromartie, Tennessee State - Antonio Cromartie's cousin; only has one kidney...
4. Aqib Talib, Kansas
5. Antoine Cason, Arizona - Underrated due to his size

Sleeper/Boom or Bust: Charles Godfrey, IOWA!

Safeties
1. Kenny Phillips, Miami
2. Um..that's it. Everybody else sucks.

Defensive Tackle
1. Glenn Dorsey, LSU
2. Sedrick Ellis, USC
3. Kentwan Balmer, North Carolina - Overrated. Just a workout warrior who will be drafted high because of his combine stats

Defensive End
1. Chris Long, Virginia - Safest prospect of the draft. He takes over games.
2. Vernon Gholston, THE Ohio State - Overrated. Tantalizing tangibles but disappears in big games.
3. Quentin Groves, Auburn - Can take over a game like Chris Long
4. Derrick Harvey, Florida
5. Philip Merling, Clemson

I guarantee that my rankings are more accurate than anything that Mel Kiper's hair spouts out.


Oh, and expect trades. Lots of them.

Nasty

Hot Sex XXX Porn Nude

No matter how smart I think I am, I learn new things every day. Today, I learned some interesting things about a couple of current baseball players, a baseball announcer, and a food spokesman. The things that I learned made me lose my respect for some of them while elevating the others to legendary status in my mind. You be the judge of who fits in what category.

1. Hideki Matsui: The New York Yankees slugger, I found out, has a gigantic porn collection of over 55,000 items. Wow. Not only that, but he actually openly admits his fondness of pornography and often trades adult videos with Japanese reporters. This is the same polite, soft-spoken man who is one of the national heroes of Japan, and who was so secretive about his new wife's identity (to protect her from the media and the public) that he refused to even show a photograph of her.

Matsui married a piece of paper.

2. Jared, the Subway guy: Allegedly, Jared also had a large porn collection in college, and he ran a business renting out all his tapes. What a budding, young entrepreneur! He also apparently only started eating Subway every day because it was the closest restaurant to his dorm, and he was too lazy to walk anywhere else. So by some perverted mechanism, he lost all that weight because of sheer laziness. The rest of the tale is history.

3. Josh Lewin: After a Texas Ranger struck out the other day, Lewin, a longtime Rangers announcer, emphatically yelled out something to the effect of, "He just had a connectile dysfunction!" Let the jokes begin. Actually, I can't resist: The Rangers' "slumping" bats need a dose of "steroids" to help them "perform at a high level." (Steroids ironically shrink your...eh..this is a family site.)

4. Alex Rodriguez: Now we reach our second Yankees slugger of the post. A petite stripper at the Hustler Club who got rejected by A-Rod because she was not his type said that he instead likes the "she-male, muscular type." According to the New York Daily News, one of his favorites is a well-toned, muscular dancer named Monique.

I didn't know that A-Rod is a switch hitter.

I'll give you one chance to guess what he's thinking about.

Just by the title of this post alone, I will have singlehandedly quadrupled the number of people who read our blog (0 X 4 = 0).

Whatever it takes?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ec_2oKWe2Gw

Sean Avery, resident asshole of the NHL, pesters Martin Brodeur on 5 on 3 power play. Of course, most hockey analysts were disgusted by the Rangers foward's antics. The NHL made a decision today making such strategy illegal. The Stanley Cup playoffs official slogan this year is "Whatever It Takes" and one can't deny that Avery is doing whatever it takes to help New York win.

Elaborating on how much the Giants suck

Statistics are awesome

Bizarro World

I know that we're only a week into baseball season, but some of the early returns are surprising (small sample sizes are fun!):

• - Two of the favored AL division winners picked by almost everybody, Boston and Detroit, are sitting in dead last. Detroit still has not won a game.
• - The sexy pick to win the other remaining AL division, Seattle, is also in dead last.
• - Meanwhile, the two teams that gave up in the offseason to commit to rebuilding (and openly admitted the fact), Baltimore and Florida, are both winning their respective divisions.
• - The Texas Rangers have had quality starts in 5 of their 6 games this year, after having only 55 the entire 2007 season.
• - A catcher leads both the AL and NL in batting average (A.J. Pierzynski and Jason Kendall).
  

Thank goodness for the Giants. We can always depend on them to suck no matter what.

American League picks

I've got nothing funny to say.

AL East - New York Yankees
AL Central - Detroit Tigers
AL West - Los Angeles Angels
AL WC - Boston Redsox
AL MVP - Miguel Cabrera
AL Cy Young - Justin Verlander
Surprise Team - Oakland Athletics
ROY - Jacoby Ellsbury
Surprise Player - Delmon Young
Disappointing Team - Cleveland Indians
Disappointing Player - Fausto Carmona

Galaga > Pacman

According to this article, Pacman Jones has already chosen the number that he wants if he were traded to the Cowboys: #21, same as Deion Sanders. This is extremely good news for Cowboys fans who were stupid enough to buy Julius Jones jerseys. Just scratch off the J, add a P, and Voila! You're set to go to a strip club! So, JJ jersey owners better hope this trade goes through.

I have to say, though, that the Titans' current demand of a 4th rounder this year and a 4th/5th next year is absolutely ridiculous. Randy Moss was traded for a 4th round pick, and he had much less baggage than Pacman. Moss's problems were all on-the-field issues, but Pacman has legal issues. Plus, we don't know if Pacman will even be able to play this season due to his suspension. I would give no more than a 5th rounder for Pacman.

Make it Rain!

However, we would have a downright nasty secondary with Pacman (remember, he was the sixth OVERALL pick in the draft):

• Starting CBs: Newman and Pacman
  
• Nickel backs: Anthony Henry and whoever we pick at CB in the first round this year (Rodgers-Cromartie/McKelvin/Jenkins/Talib/Cason)
  
• FS: Ken Hamlin
  
• SS: Tub O' Lard (Roy Williams)

I'm drooling. And not just from the Tub O' Lard.

Amaricen Leage and Natoinal Leegue Prdictions

Certain assholes on this blog think i'm a bit unreliable. They're the same assholes who think i got myself a drinking problem. They're the same assholes who can go fuck themselves. Had to get that out while i was still sober. Anyways on to predictions of the baseball variety. After a fantastic final month in the N.L. last year, we were subjected to the most god awful boring post-season. One in which some lucky (i.e. shitty) team from Colorado used the power of their physics defying space park and some short stop named Troy Tuloqueertsky to sweep all the interesting teams. Thankfully they wont be back in the playoffs once i turn off the anti gravity settings at Coors Field. Holy shit! It's really called Coors Field? Maybe ill be paying a visit there real soon.

N.L. East - New York Mets
N.L. Central - Chicago Cubs
N.L. West - Los Angeles Dodgers
N.L. WC - Philadelphia Phillies

MVP - Jose Reyes
Cy Young - Johan Santana
Surprise Team - Atlanta Braves
ROY - FUCK DOME!
Surprise Player - Yunel Escobar
Disappointing Team - Rockies
Disappointing Player - Carlos Beltran

Yeah that looks about right.

World Series Predictions

Yes, you heard me right. WORLD SERIES predictions. No need for all of this "surprising" team and whatnot nonsense. I'll just say this: the Yankees* and Diamondbacks* will be in the World Series, with the Yankees becoming "World" Champions.

It's always bothered me that whenever American teams win championships we call them "World Champions." How arrogant are we to assume that our leagues are automatically better than other leagues around the world? It's not like the U.S. won the World Baseball Classic. Or the gold medal at the Olympics in Basketball. Or the silver medal.

What's that? You say that the women's basketball team won the gold medal?

Dwyane Wade: World Champion

Silly goose. Women's basketball isn't a sport.

Oh, and you can't depend on alcoholic leprechauns for anything, including baseball predictions. Actually, you can't depend on leprechauns period, because it's assumed that all leprechauns are alcoholic.


*barring any injuries (hehehe...umbrella clauses are great)

NL Predictions

The other two writers of this blog evidently don't appreciate our national pastime enough to get their predictions out before opening day (they incorrectly chose blue crab and running over the greatest sport of all-time). So I'll have to pick up the slack once again (actually for the first time, but I assume there will be many more). I guess it's just rare to see this type of dedication in today's me-first world. I had to leave a charity softball game for disabled children to get this done in time (the children are our future) because I love sports and all of my loyal readers, and I'm going to always put that first even if it means sacrificing some me-time. But I'm not looking for praise for my inspiring selfless actions, I just want to do my job and have the satisfaction of doing it right.

On to the predictions for the real baseball league:

NL West - Arizona Diamondbacks
NL Central - Chicago Cubs
NL East - New York Mets
Wild Card - Philadelphia Phillies

WS Champs - New York Mets

MVP - Chase Utley (third straight Phillie to win it)
Cy Young - Johan Santana
ROY - Johnny Cueto
Surprise Team - Cincinnati Reds
Surprise Player - Rickie Weeks
Disappointing Team - San Diego Padres
Disappointing Player - Chris Young

*Note: Surprise player and team based on level of surprise of blog readers. Having correctly predicted their success, I will not be surprised.

-Amelius Althor III aka Destroyer of Ignorance