Evening Chat With the G's

Here again with everyone's favorite Ranger's parents, Mr. and Mrs. G.

Mr. G, how's it feel to see your son get the win in your home state?

He pitched horrible, but his team picked him up. Henry from down the street won't let me hear the end of it though. Who the hells gives a damn if his son is a mid-level manager in that big building with the big red key on it. But my son is still a gosh darn good major league pitcher. Excuse my language dear.

Mrs. G, who do you like in the Indy 500?

Well, this is really the one race you can't really predict because of the wide range of conditions. But the lack of practice time really gives the advantage to the veterans. The eleven rookies this year don't have a chance. My personal favorite is Helio Castroneves, so I'm going to go with him. He's won it twice already along with Dancing with the Stars. So I say Helio will be climbing the fence again on Sunday.

Mr. G, the French Open is coming up, can Federer break through?

It's hard to go against Nadal, and Federer hasn't been amazing this year. So I'm going to say no.

Mrs. G, any random basketball thoughts this week?

• Kobe should grow out his half-fro again.
• Michael Jordan's leather jacket and single loop gold earing really draws parallel to a retired bull.
• The Seattle Storm have 6 MVP awards on their team. (Sheryl Swoops 3, Lauren Jackson 2, Yolanda Griffith)
• Rudy Fernandez is going to be awesome next year for the Trail Blazers.
• The Nuggets and Mavericks really need to make a trade this summer.
• Hopefully the Mavs can bring back Diop and Finley
• This draft is going to be awesome

Mr. G, who are you picking in the UFC fight this Saturday?

B.J. Penn. He's a better striker and a better grappler, so it doesn't matter that his wrestling isn't as good because his takedown defense is enough.Iif you want to use a logical fallacy to prove it, you can say that Matt Hughes beat Sean Sherk in 5 rounds; B.J. Penn beat Matt Hughes in 2 minutes.

Mrs. G, so are you guys going to round the bases tonight?

[awkward silence]

Thanks again for your time, it's been fun. See you next time.

If I were Pat Riley

I would forget the idea of building a team around Wade and Marion for a year, and go for the coolest draft ever and start planning my championship parades for 2011-2014. Wade is injury prone, and Marion is about to be a huge flop. Get what you can now.

First, trade Dwayne Wade to the Chicago Bulls (where he's probably going to end up after two seasons anyway). Get the first pick, and another piece either 2010 first round pick or Tyrus Thomas or Joakim Noah, whatever you can get. Also, you'll have to take on Larry Hughes' contract (about 13 million a year for two years, but it runs out before the 2010 free agency).

Trading Marion is a bit tougher, since it's hard to find a team with a decent pick that would want him. The idea is to take on decent players that will be gone by 2010, along with getting a pick to secure DeAndre Jordan (Texas A&M 7'0" center, solid defender that can develop). Some possible teams:

The Clippers: Depending on how they feel about Livingston and if Elton Brand stays, they could sign a couple decent guards to go with Kaman, Thornton, Marion, and Brand.

Marion for the number 7 pick, Tim Thomas (6 million one year), and Cuttino Mobley (9-10 million/2 years, but runs out before 2010 free agency)

The Knicks: Don't be fooled by the front office change. Donnie Walsh isn't that great either. Reunite Marion and D'Antoni for Jerome James (terrible center, 6.6 million/2 years, up in 2010), Quentin Richardson (9 million/2 years) and the 6th pick.

The Pacers: Take Jermain O'Neal off there hands (21-23 million/2 years), 11th pick. This won't happen. I see the Pacers taking Augustine or Westbrook.

Marion could still opt out this year, which would make all of this impossible.
The Heat could trade down from the 6 or 7th pick and still get DeAndre Jordan (around 10 or 11).

Miami then would have Rose, Beasley, DeAndre Jordan, Daequan Cook, Marcus Banks, Marc Blount, Smush Parker and Udonis Haslem. Along with Larry Hughes, maybe Thomas/Noah, Tim Thomas/Jerome James, and Richardson/Mobley.

This team would most likely be terrible. Sorry, Erik Spoelstra, but this sets up nicely for Pat Riley to return to the bench in a couple years (after you step aside for family reasons) when they are championship contenders. Plus they get another good pick in 2009.

The Heat would then go into the 2010 Free Agency with a little under 30 million on the books (rookie contracts are cheap, top picks get about 6 million in year 3). The NBA salary cap probably will be around 55 million for that year. Leaving them plenty of room to sign LeBron or someone else.

2010-2011 Roster:
PG Derrick Rose
SG Daequan Cook
SF LeBron James
PF Michael Beasley
C DeAndre Jordan

Bench: Marcus Banks (defensive guard), Tyrus Thomas/Joakim Noah, 2009 draft pick (high energy scorer), ,Veteran Foward, Mid-level exception free agent (3-pt shooter), Veteran Guard Buyout, 2010 draft pick, Robert Horry

Coach: Pat Riley/Phil Jackson

*I don't know what Pat Riley could get for Marion. Probably more than #6 and one decent player and one terrible player.
**ESPN trade machine hasn't been updated yet, so I'll check these at the end of the playoffs.

Ranger's Starting Lineup

Vincente Padilla (SP): "You won't believe what I did last night"

Frankie Francisco (RP): "Give me your hands boss"

Chris Shelton (1B): "My father was Rusty Greer and my mother was an Irish she-goat"

Michael Young (All-Star SS): "Mya See, Mya"

Ramon Vasquez (3B): "Of course I will babysit your 8-13 year old children"

Ian Kinsler (2B): "Is Ramon still looking at me?"

Brandon Boggs (LF): "I'm just the token black outfielder"







David Murphy "Murph" (RF): "I did some stuntdoubling work in Ferris Bueller's Day Off"

Josh Hamilton (CF): "Jesus said that if I was good, I would be allowed to lick the bowl!"







Gerald Lair (C): I leave it to you, the readers.

You can start here: http://youtube.com/watch?v=BovQyphS8kA

Manny being Manny

Late night thoughts with Mr. and Mrs. G

Mr. G, what do you think about Avery Johnson's future?

I think he'd be a good coach just about anywhere. The Bulls or Suns. But the ideal situation would be in Detroit, if they part ways with Flip Saunders . He can get them playing at their full potential and guide the younger players in non-pressure roles.


Mrs. G, name five scary sports figures?

Kevin Garnett (completely insane)
Vincente Padilla (has killed before)
Marvin Harrison (theme for GTA V, after Rockstar buys Madden and fuses theme together)
Mike Tyson (would have ripped that kangaroo's head off)
That man that hit my son, he should be kicked out of the league for that behavior

Mr. G, the WNBA is starting soon, who's your pick?

The Sparks. People think the NBA has a tanking problem. But when a star athlete can fake pregnancy for a whole year, just so their team can get the number one pick to take a future superstar. That's messed up. They have a serious problem. But you can't discredit the Sparks for taking advantage of a bad system.

Mrs. G, what's your opinion on performance enhancing drugs *wink* *wink*?

[awkward silence]


I'm afraid that's all the time we have with America's favorite couple. See you next time on "Late night thoughts with Mr. and Mrs. G" (after ever Kason Gabbard start). Go Rangers (and Rays).

Reader writes off ESPN writers

"Spurs sting Hornets" and "Wings clip Stars"

I don't know what to say. Are they going for "wait a second, wings usually get clipped. They don't do the clipping. Oh, I think I get it, oh yeah it's irony, oh man I love you ESPN and your witty, ironic sports journalism." (Not to mention that they used the the headline "Hornets sting Spurs" about three days earlier)

Well guess who doesn't...



That really didn't answer the question. But I'm sure the gopher is with me and thousands of others.

I just want the news (and touching stories about old blind men bowling a 300). So just stick the the normal pun headlines and we'll be alright.

Oh, and for the love of god take off that damn fan comment feature. It's making me less patriotic.

The State of Hockey: A Response

While it is true that Gary Bettman has been largely responsible for the NHL's rapid decline in popularity he is not the only one to blame. Hockey's fall from grace is due to many factors. The three main ones are the popularity of the neutral zone trap, the NHLPA, and the influx of European players.
The man who is most responsible for the downfall of the NHL might just be Jacques Lemaire. The crafty coach is best known for utilizing the neutral zone trap with great results. What the "trap" essentially does is have the defensive teams forwards clog up the neutral zone, eliminating much of a chance of an effective fore-check. I for one think this strategy is ingenious and it often gives teams, such as the Minnesota Wild, that lack talent the chance to compete against more talented teams. The trend became quite widespread throughout the league after Lemaire's New Jersey Devils won the cup in '95. However with the trap comes less scoring and the appearance of a dull defensive game to the casual fan who is not attuned to the nuances of the sport. While the new post-lockout rules seek to give offenses a spark, the league is nowhere close to resurrecting the high flying offenses of the 80's.
There's no doubt that as hockey's popularity decreased and smaller market teams could not keep up with rising costs, the need for a salary cap became evident. However the NHLPA, and its stubborn president Bod Goodenow, refused to even acknowledge the idea. The resulting loss of the 04-05 season was arguably the lowest point in the sport's history. Finally, the players union gave in, Goodenow resigned, and the salary cap was implemented. Yet it came at a very high cost.
What might be the most disheartening of factors is the influx of European players. While the talent and skill of these players is undeniable many casual fans have found it difficult to overcome their xenophobic impulses and root for Euro players with the same enthusiasm as North American players. It's not a much of a secret that North American players are favored to win awards over Euro players often based on their descent alone. It’s also now a common joke that many NHL player's names are hard to pronounce. Hockey's resident idiot Don Cherry is famous for his views that Euro players are "soft".
The time has come for the NHL and hockey fans to embrace its role as a "cult" sport. It is after all a Canadian sport and will never challenge the other Big 3 in the United States. While many hockey fans bemoan the second rate status hockey receives in the United States, they may not realize the benefits. I for one enjoy knowing that the sport I care most about has the most devoted and knowledgeable fans of any other sport. If casual fans complain about the difficulty of following the sport, not understanding the all the rules, or worst of all bitch about "not being able to see the puck" than by all means they can go fuck themselves. I would rather have a small passionate fan base than the boring masses that wonder out to football games each fall. This sport has arguably the best history, containing everything from the Eddie Shore incident to Richard Riot to the amazing Summit Series. Hockey is too great a sport to water down just to attract the very kind of fans that would ruin it.

(This was originally a comment but it soon became too long so I just went ahead and it posted it.)

The State of Hockey

With the NHL Conference Finals about to begin, I must talk about the state of hockey.

First of all, hockey is a great sport. Possibly even the best sport. What other sport is as violent as hockey, yet requires so much pure skill and athleticism?

Football? People profess football to be the "tough" and "manly" sport, but hockey is just as "tough" and "manly." Hockey allows players to hit and check each other, either against the boards or in the open ice. This hit by Brendan Morrow of the Stars in Game 6 against the Sharks is as jarring as any football hit. Plus, hockey players have much less padding. Football players play once a week because their bodies can't stand the rigor for more games than that. Hockey players play once every 2 or 3 days. They often have back-to-back games, even in the playoffs.

Baseball is America's pastime because of its storied tradition and history. Started in the early 1900s like the MLB, the NHL also has its own storied tradition and history. MLB's dynasty, the New York Yankees (26 championships), rivals the NHL's own dynasty, the Montreal Canadiens (24 championships). Baseball's steeped tradition includes many rituals and player codes, among them the beaning code. If an opposing pitcher beans one of your players, then next inning your pitcher must bean one of the opposing team's players, preferably one of their best players. This sends a message to the other team that you will protect your teammates. In hockey, if someone hits one of your skill players, then the enforcer on your team must hit one of the other team's skill players and then fight the person that hit your skill player. Like in baseball, this sends a message to the other team that you will protect your teammates.

The NBA is known for its star players and their godly skill. Well, the NHL has its own future legend (LeBron James/Sidney Crosby) and its own future-MVP, second-year superstar (Chris Paul/Evgeni Malkin), not to mention others like Mike Modano, Joe Thornton, Martin Brodeur, Jaromir Jagr, and Alexander Ovechkin. Did I mention fighting? A punch in the NBA is an automatic suspension while an entire fight in the NHL will result in 2 or 5 minutes in the penalty box. Brawls are not too rare. (By the way, is there anything better than a goalie fight? It's like watching a midget fight or a cripple fight, except that you don't feel ashamed to laugh while you're watching it)

For those people that like soccer, hockey has basically the same premise: get the ball/puck into your opponent's goal. Hockey, though, is faster-paced and much more exciting.

The fan experience at NHL games is intense, much like the rabid atmosphere of a Roman coliseum. Fans in the front row can bang on the glass and become a part of the game environment. In no other sport do the ushers not let you back to your seat until a stoppage of play, because they don't want you to get hit by a 90 mph puck (much harder than a baseball) while you're walking back to your seat.

Playoff hockey (and hockey in general) is also, in my opinion, the most intense. Because of the intensity, you just can't take your eyes off the TV screen. A goal could be scored at any minute. There's nothing better than staying up late watching multiple overtimes of playoff hockey, grinding contests of endurance, focus, and will.

Finally, hockey is the ultimate team sport. It has the least amount of statistics simply because there aren't that many statistics to keep. You either score a goal or assist with one, and you can't do either of them without the help of your teammates.

Now I must tell you how Gary Bettman, the NHL commissioner for the past 16 years, has ruined the NHL and hockey. His ineptness has turned the NHL into a second-tier league that is often the butt of sports jokes. Remember, in the early 90s, the NHL was more popular than the NBA in many places, including New York, with stars like Wayne Gretzky and Mark Messier. The league was making huge profits every year, and everything was looking good. Then, Bettman came along, and the NHL has since gone through 4 bankruptcies, 3 franchise moves (although I'm glad the Stars moved), 2 lockouts, and one entire lost season. The NHL has been relegated to TV channels such as Versus, and people with a basic cable package will not even be able to see 6 of the 7 games of the Western Conference Finals. There have been more college bowl games or even poker games on network television/basic cable than the entire NHL playoffs. For goodness sake, these are the playoffs of one of the top 4 sports leagues in the U.S.! The recent expansion into the south has also been ill-planned and worthless. Cities like Columbus, Atlanta, Nashville, Phoenix, and Raleigh do not care about hockey and are sapping the league's revenue. Finally, Bettman's crackdown on fighting has deprived hockey fans of one of the oldest traditions. This is what NHL fights look like nowadays.

Fantasy Basketball Roto Style

If our fantasy basketball league were rotisserie:

Tim 61
Jordan 59
Jimmy 54
Michael 53
Josh 52
Farouk 51

Tim's still the best, but Jordan's team was much better than his record, and Josh was definently playing a heads-up strategy (or got insanely lucky).

WOW

129 minutes; 3 seconds (3 overtimes and then some for those who don't do math)

3 for 117 shooting; combination of Evgeni Nabokov and Marty Turco (2 worst statistical playoff goalies)

One important powerplay

A full bowl in the American Airlines Arena, cheering their guts off until 1:23 a.m.

Maybe Mavs fans could learn a few things

Fenway Park? Fuck that! Give me U.S. Cellular Field!

Sports Illustrated recently released their MLB ballpark rankings as voted on by the fans and for the most part they’re fairly solid. No, I’m just kidding they’re completely “what the fuck”. Let me just provide a few quick examples for your benefit. Glorious Fenway Park, with its rich history and famous Green Monster, does not quite come up to par with Toronto’s cavern from the not so distant future known as the Roger’s Centre ( That’s not a typo. Apparently the Blue Jays are trying to attract Quebecois fans with the ever-luring “r” before “e” gimmick.) Our not perfect but none-the-less beloved Ballpark in Arlington with classic brick exterior and right field deck is outclassed by the decrepit Tropicana Field which rains debris on unsuspecting Rays fans. It’s also the only baseball park known to give seasonal depression in the summer. Most glaring of all and one that makes me question just what kind of “fans” were asked is the fact that Wrigley Field fell at the hands of its south side neighbor, the drab and so-boring-it-hurts, U.S. Cellular Field. I mean it is FUCKING WRIGLEY FIELD! Who the fuck do you think you are so called “fans”. Now I know other factors went into the rankings such as affordability and fan IQ, as if you could objectively judge that, but why would SI.com even publish this fucking travesty. I’ll just leave you with this fact.

The fans think this is nice but...

Hell Yeah its baseball season!





Next week I'll review random ESPN.com fan comments such as "SOX SUX! YANKS 4EVA" and "i like watching cars go fast!".

DALLAS CURSE POTENTIALLY LIFTED?

I know what you're thinking, Dallas has a curse? I've never heard of that. Well if you've paid attention to the last three years, you might have realized that Dallas as a city is being punished for something. Boston Redsox, boo hoo. Chicago Cubs? How about the Bears and Bulls. No, this transcends any single sport.

It all started two years ago in the NHL playoffs. The Stars were posed to bring the Cup back to Dallas, but got beaten in five games by the Colorado Avalanch in the first round. Big disappointment, but it happens. Next, the NBA playoffs. The Dallas Mavericks were up 2 games to nill with a comanding lead at the end of game three. All of a sudden, the Mavs go cold, and the Miami Heat go on to win game 3. And 4. And 5. Oh yeah, and 6. A devestating blow, given by Dwayne Wade and the fine upstanding refs of the NBA.

That's OK, 2007 was Dallas's year. The Cowboys, the Mavericks, the Desperados, and the Stars were all ready to win their selective sports. First off, the Mavs again were at the top of the Western Conference, and the entire league, putting up an amazing record, winning 67 games (6th most in history). They got beat by their old coach Nelly (man did that guy look drunk most of the time when he was on the court), oh yeah, and to the 8th seed!! No team that had won 65 games or more had ever been put out in the first round. Arena football was no better. The Desperados went 15-1 in the regular season, setting an Arena Football League record. Led by Clint Dolezel, hitting the 800 touchdown mark that year, the most in Arena Football history, they were posed to win it all. Instead, the Desperados took a 66-59 loss to the Columbus Destroyers in their first game of the playoffs. OK, how bout' them Cowboys? Despite winning the AFC with a 13-3 recore, they lost to the NY "Football" (is that what sport they play?) Giants in the NFC Championship. And despite the fact that the Giants went on to win the Superbowl against an undefeated team, meh, we coulda done that.

Here's my question. What the hell did someone do to Dallas? I've heard of no Babe Ruth bologna, no fricken goat problems (they even have a bring you dog to the ballpark day), so what is it? Did Cuban make a deal with the devil that he couldn't cash. Did Jerry Jones step on a midget while cursing Bill Parcells? Idk, but if you have ideas please comment.

Thus brings us into 2008. The Cowboys have drafted Felix Jones to replace Julius Jones, the Mavs have been pushed out of the NBA playoffs versus an inexperienced team that most would pick against in this series (though technically the Mavs were seeded lower), and the Desperados just lost to the Philidelphia Soul in a battle of the undefeateds.

Oh yeah, and the fricken Stars beat the Anaheim Ducks in the first round, advancing to the second round of the playoffs for the first time since 2003. They are now ahead 3-1 in their series against the San Jose Sharks, a team picked by most to win the Stanley Cup (even Barry Melrose picked them!!!!). Now assuming that we win (knock on Avery Johnson's old desk), the Stars pose a legitimate threat to go all the way.

Moral of this post? Dallas could theorhetically, maybe, semi-potentially end the Dallas curse. But even if they don't, there is one thing Dallas fans can never be disappointed in. The Texas Rangers have never even gotten close to a World Series. Sometimes you need a good constant in your life.

Close your eyes, as I take you on a wonderful journey

You'll actually need your eyes to read this. But after you've read it and memorized it, close your eyes and go through it again in your head.

This begins back in December 2005:

The Rangers are patient, don't feel the need win the next year. They hold on to Chris Young and Adrian Gonzales.

Next year, John Daniels doesn't go crazy and trade Danks for McCarthey.

This year, even with how awesome Josh Hamilton is, we don't trade Volquez.

Also this year, we find a fucking roster spot for Armando Galarraga. Seriously, this looks really, really stupid now.

Now here's the painful part. The Rangers 2008 rotation.

	ERA	WHIP	K	Games
Chris Young	3.63	1.38	33	6
John Danks	3.00	.93	20	5
Edison Volquez	1.23	1.23	33	5
Armando Galarraga	1.50	.072	13	3
Kason Gabbard	2.18	1.45	8	4

Note: Ages 29, 23, 24, 26, 26

With Thomas Diamond and Eric Hurley still waiting around.

Obviously too small of a sample to really judge. But we'll check this again mid-season, and compare the VORP numbers of these guys vs. the Rangers staff.

VORP UPDATE: Rangers Rotation -1.9 to Dream Rotation 43.8